I was going to post this tomorrow. But today I unexpectedly have off (when you work outdoors training horses, rainy days = days off) and so I'll post it now! YAY!

Title: The Great Bathroom Mirror Escapades, Vol 6: OMG! Gettin' Some!
Status: Complete, and now posting bonus posts!
Rating: Eh, R, to be on the safe side, for language and implied sex.
Characters: Primarily Raidou, Genma, and Hayate.
Genre: Humor, citrus.

Summary: Next in MessyPeaches and JBMcDragon's crack-over series, combining The Kakashi Mission world, the Side Effects world, and now the Broken Ninja world! (But be happy. We only use a minor character from there, so you don't have to read it.)

Hayate is dead in every dimension. ...Well. Almost. (Links to previous volumes and the pertinent stories are in chapter 1.)

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5

So, after writing this story, Momo and I realized we had lots of other bits and pieces that just NEEDED to be written down. I suppose these aren't deleted scenes so much as scenes from this world that didn't quite fit into the story. Mostly because we didn't want to write the in between bits. *looks sneaky* Consider them extra Hayate-Raidou-Genma stories! (There are, btw, at least three bonus posts.)

--JBMcGroinWarrior and MessyGroinWarriorPeaches

BONUS POSTS:

Bonus Post One: Why do you ALWAYS brush your teeth naked?



***
Post Two
***

"I'm just gonna sit here next to you," Hayate said, slinking down into a chair beside Anko, just about the ONLY person he knew at the banquet. Stupid ninja banquets for stupid Jounin curriculum. "Everyone is staring at me," he mumbled into his hand, leaning close to her.

Ibiki had MADE him come. He still didn't get why, though, had he asked, Ibiki might have told him that it was because he hadn't socialized since he *got* there. But he hadn't asked. So it didn't matter.

"I'm so fucking *bored*. And now I can pretend they're all staring at you, okay?" Hayate asked plaintively. She had fishnets. And boobs. That usually meant people stared anyway. At the boobs, not the fishnets. Although there was this other Chuunin, a little younger than him, named Shikamaru who wore a fishnet shirt, and sometimes Hayate stared at *him.* But most people stared at the boobs. Which Shikamaru didn't have. But Anko did. So Hayate could pretend they were staring at her. Mind gone on a tangent and back full circle, he smiled as if he'd done something particularly difficult.

"All right," Anko said, bemused. "Not enjoying the party, huh? I haven't seen you in a while. You okay?"

He shrugged and began to melt over the arm of his chair. "Staying with Raidou and Genma. And they're soooooo haaawwwt." His head landed in her lap as his slow fall continued. "And they said they'd sleep with me if I made Special Jounin, so . . . um . . . sleeeeeep wiiiiith meeeee. Like, sex. Like Es Eee . . . Ex. Ex. Ex." He smiled loopily and held up four fingers. Then frowned, and tucked one finger down. "Three a' them ex's make sex. So I been busy makin' sex. I mean, Special Jounin."

By the end of his speech she started to laugh. "You're sooo very drunk, aren't you, you cute little thing?"

"Sex," he said happily, then the smile melted away. "I tried!" he cried loudly. "I tried to talk to people, and they look at me like, ooooooh, zommmmmmbieeeee!" He sighed, and both hands dropped to his stomach. "I talked to this one girl I kept seeing around and--and she started crying. I was bein' nice!" He looked forlornly at Anko. "Will you get me another drink?"

"You're in my lap, honey."

He thought about that. She rubbed his belly. It totally drove away the thought. "Did you know," he said loudly, "that I had sex with Iruka? Well, not ME me," he corrected, "But other-me. The dead one."

"No, I did not know that. But now we alllll do."

"Yes, I knew that! God, you people go away," Kakashi cried in the background.

"IIIIII bet it was sexy-sex," Hayate said happily.

"Anko, why do you have our roommate stretched out across your lap like a trophy tiger?"

"'Cause YOU!" Hayate said, pointing at a shape only he could see beside Genma's head, "won't have sex with ME!" He turned and looked at Anko's belly. "I had sex with Iruka, too, you know. Not this Iruka. Not the dead me, me-me. Me me me," he repeated. He kinda liked the way that sounded. Then he smiled at Genma. "You're pretty."

Raidou sat down next to Anko, started ruffling Hayate's hair.

"You're pretty, too," Hayate told him shyly, then grinned and hid his face.

"I think it's time we take you home," Genma said.

"Ibiki said to come," Hayate said from behind his hands.

"Ibiki wanted you to socialize, not get hammered and drool into Anko's lap."

"That's not why my lap's wet," Anko said with a purr.

"I didn't barf on her!" Hayate protested, completely and totally misreading her statement.

"Sorry, Anko, find your own," Genma said.

"It'd help if I had a fucking magic mirror," Anko retorted.

"*I* want a fucking mirror," Hayate said in awe. "That sounds like *fun.*"

"You know what? You make Special Jounin, we'll put a mirror over the bed, okay? Now come on, home we go."

Genma pulled Hayate to his feet, and he staggered along beside both Raidous and both Genmas. "Lots of clones here tonight," he slurred. "Lots and lots."

"Think how awesome that sex would be," Raidou said.

The blood flowing downward made Hayate pass out.

**

Four years after Hayate was abducted (willingly. So willingly. Like, gleefully.):

Iruka walked into his apartment, and froze. "Hayate?" he said, astounded.

"I brought plum wine!" Hayate said happily, holding up the bottle. He'd dressed very carefully that morning, as sexy as he knew how, with his black tank top that showed off his ANBU tattoo, and his army pants and boots. He knew that whenever he wore this particular outfit Raidou shoved him up against a wall and thoroughly molested him.

"I thought--you were in Ice Country or some stupid thing like that!" Iruka said.

"No, I'm not, I just live on the other side of the mirror." He shrugged. "I only just found out I could come back through. But don't tell." He grinned and put a finger to his lips. "Sh! Secret."

Iruka laughed and shook his head.

"And I brought you a cake! My husband made it for you!" He paused, thought, and said, "My first husband. Or second husband. How do you tell?"

Iruka just stared at him. "Huh?"

Hayate grinned madly. "I have two. I love them! They fuck me stupid!"

"Who?" Iruka laughed, a little overwhelmed but willing to work with this. Years before he'd had problems with gay men--but his foster brother, Raidou, and his foster-brother-in-law, Genma, had put a kibosh to that.

". . . I'll tell you when you're drunk," Hayate said, holding out the plum wine again. "How ya been?"

"Good, uh--"

"I wanna see the scar Mizuki left. Hurry up! Turn around!"

"How did you know about that?" Iruka asked, dutifully turning and lifting up his shirt.

"The Iruka over there has one," Hayate said, only barely stopping from saying, "My Iruka has one." "But he said you'd be fine. And look!" He turned sideways and waited.

"Just because you draw a tattoo on your shoulder," Iruka said dryly, "doesn't make it true. It's cute, though. I'm glad you want me to think you're doing okay."

"Hey!" Hayate said. "It's true! I'll show you a sword technique! C'mon, let's go to the roof!" He grabbed Iruka's arm and dragged him out the door and up, and proceeded to chop the maintenance shed off the roof. "Oh. Shoot," he mumbled. "Who can we blame that on?"

Iruka just stared, wide-eyed.

"Right. Um. No one saw us! Quick, inside!" Hayate grabbed him by the arm and dragged him back inside. "Now do you believe me?"

"Well, you haven't changed at all," Iruka said, and wondered if the world on the other side of the mirror was able to survive ANBU Hayate.

"And I brought you an orchid!"

". . . You're still so gay."

"HEY! Orchids are very difficult to grow! And Raidou said it was cool!"

"Raidou?" Iruka asked, lifting an eyebrow. Hayate blushed. Iruka stared. "YOU DIDN'T."

"Welllllllll . . . It's not like they're your foster brothers in *that* world . . ."

"BOTH OF THEM?"

Hayate looked around sheepishly. "Um. Look! Cake!"

**

"I know it wasn't you," Iruka said, dropping groceries on the table, "but would you mind telling me why everyone keeps asking me how Hayate is in bed?"

"You are reaping what you've sown," Kakashi sang gleefully. "I have a song just for you." He whipped out a little tuning whistle, blew, then sang, "It sucks to be you . . ."

**

"What if I turned into a girl?" Hayate asked, putting his book down and looking up. "Would you still like me?"

"Are you a hot girl?" Genma asked.

"Of course!" Hayate said, almost offended. As if he'd be an ugly girl!

"Totally!" Genma grinned. "In fact, my first job would be to see how many times I could get you off before you couldn't move."

Hayate laughed. Maybe learning Naruto's stupid jutsu was *worth* that.

Nah. He'd have to ask Naruto to teach it to him. And Naruto was an ass.

"I probably wouldn't sleep with you then," Raidou said. "I'd still like you, though."

"Could I still sleep in the bed?" Hayate asked slowly.

"Sure," Raidou said. "I just probably wouldn't do anything to you."

Nonplussed, Hayate looked back down at his book, turning that over in his mind.

"I mean, you wouldn't want to sleep with me if I turned into a girl," Raidou pointed out.

Hayate eyed him. "Well . . . do you still look like yourself?"

"I'd probably look like my sister."

Hayate thought about his old Raidou's sister. She was kinda pretty. And flat chested. "That might not be *too* bad." He thought about it some more. "I'd be more likely to do you if you bought a dick."

"What, you mean like a strap-on?" Raidou asked, half laughing.

"Yeah! And if you looked like yourself. I mean, that'd make you a fugly girl, but I'd still think you were hot."

"Well, if I ever get turned into a woman I'll make sure to buy a nice big cock just for you."

Genma just started to laugh.

**

"Iruka! Happy birth--Hayate?" Raidou asked, stopping just inside the doorway. "Oh, gods! How *are* you?" He'd had some idea that Hayate hadn't just gone away. After all, he'd told his higher ups what had happened and then . . . well. Yes. Konoha didn't trade in people, of course.

Except when, possibly, they did.

"I'm great!" Hayate said, and turned sideways.

Raidou glanced him over, then saw the tattoo. He snorted. "Hayate, just because you put it on with ink doesn't make it true."

"Hey!" Hayate shouted. "I could totally kick your ass, now!"

Raidou smirked. "Right. Just try."

**

"Whaaaaaat ifffff," Hayate started, wandering out of the bedroom when he heard Genma and Raidou walk in. "What if I--" he froze. Cocked his head. "--the fuck is that?"

"Obviously, it's a gigantic metal penis. Sculpted in a turgid state," Raidou said calmly, patting it on the head. He didn't have to bend over to do this. It was four feet tall, and sitting on the ground.

"Fucking hell!" Hayate shouted. "What'd you buy *that* for?"

"You!" Genma said with a smile. "Don't you like it?"

"You mean for me to watch you!" Hayate said, shaking his head and backing up. He bumped into a wall. "You guys just keep that thing away from my ass! Gods, you are both just *perverts.*"

"That's not what it's for!" Genma said, rolling his eyes. "Here, come pump it."

Hayate snorted. "You wish."

"No, seriously." Genma leaned over and pressed down on the head. It didn't spurt enough for any of the liquid to fall onto the floor, but a surge of something wet, shiny and blue squirted out the tip and started dribbling down.

"Oh, gross guys!" Hayate said, gleefully crossing the room and using both hands to push down on the head. More blue came out. "Oh, that's awesome!" He rubbed his fingers together, smelling sweet. He licked the syrup. "Blueberry!"

"Yup, we filled it with blueberry syrup just for you. And for us to watch," Genma said.

Hayate snickered and licked the syrup off the metal. And heard the click of a camera. "You guys are *such* perverts," he said, but waggled his ass and did it again.

Later that night . . .

"So, what if I got jutsu'ed and my dick was as big as our blueberry syrup dispenser?"

"We'd have to go rescue you because if someone was zapping people to get dicks that big they're probably using them for some horrible sex act."

"Hmm," Hayate said thoughtfully. "Can we invite Naruto over for breakfast tomorrow so I can embarrass the hell out of him?"

"I don't think it would work."

"Damn."

"Too much potential for backfiring."

Hayate sighed. "Bummer."

**

Genma glanced up, frowning as his lover limped into the house. "What happened to you?"

"You remember Hayate?"

"Cute Hayate? Iruka's friend? The only slip-up the painfully straight kid ever had? The one that supposedly got sent to Swamp or something, but really he didn't? Yeah," Genma snorted. He wasn't *stupid.*

"Saw him today. He's ANBU."

Genma blinked. "You know, just because he draws it on with some ink doesn't make it true."

**

The soft beep beep of machines murmured around him, mingling with darkness and the broken inhalations of someone in another room. The smell of antiseptic was muted by scented candles, but not entirely hidden. Sheets, too clean to be comfortable, rested against his skin as the breeze from the open window pressed against them.

"What if," Hayate whispered into the empty darkness, too soft for anyone to hear, "I quit being a ninja." He stared at raw and torn skin where fingernails had been. "Would you still like me?"

Raidou leaned against the door, shut his eyes. *Of course, moron,* he thought, tired.

He glanced at the hall sign. This was recovery. The ICU, and his *other* husband, were two floors down. He started walking.

**

Genma watched Hayate wander the house in overly tight jeans and nothing else (except the ever-present socks), and a smile.

"I'm breaking my jeans in," Hayate informed him solemnly, and stood in the middle of the living room, bending over to touch his toes. Then he straightened and stretched, both arms over his head, fingers linked to hide his three missing nails, fully aware of the way muscles ran over his torso and the way his abs tightened and extended. He finished and played with the waistband of his pants, looking at Genma from under sooty black lashes. "They're still too tight to button the top button," he pointed out, all innocence, and brushed a knuckle back and forth over his stomach.

"You are such a slut," Genma said matter-of-factly.

Hayate smiled. "I'm just breaking in my jeans! But don't they make my ass look great?" he asked, and wiggled.

"Get over here."

Hayate jumped the coffee table. "Would you still like me if I was fat?"

Genma pinned him to the couch. "Not if you still wore jeans that size."

Hayate grinned. "If I took them off . . .?"

"Yes, I would still like you if you were fat. How 'bout you take 'em off now, anyway?"

"Okay!"

**

Raidou looked at him blankly. "If you ever call it that again, neither of us will ever sleep with you. Ever. I will forbid it."

Hayate looked nonplussed. "But--what do you call yours?"

"I call it my dick!" Raidou said. "Genma calls it 'Raidou's dick' and I call Genma's 'Genma's dick' and he calls it his dick!"

". . . But all my friends had names for theirs," Hayate muttered, put out.

"All your friends were fucking teenagers," Raidou snorted.

Hayate looked sly. "*You're* fucking a teenager," he said, grinning.

"Yes, but we call you Hayate! Not 'Groin Warrior!'"

******************