Title: The Great Bathroom Mirror Escapades, Vol 6: OMG! Gettin' Some!
Status: Complete, with bonus posts being posted!
Rating: Eh, R, to be on the safe side, for language and implied sex.
Characters: Primarily Raidou, Genma, and Hayate.
Genre: Humor, citrus.

Summary: Next in MessyPeaches and JBMcDragon's crack-over series, combining The Kakashi Mission world, the Side Effects world, and now the Broken Ninja world! (But be happy. We only use a minor character from there, so you don't have to read it.)

Hayate is dead in every dimension. ...Well. Almost. (Links to previous volumes and the pertinent stories are in chapter 1.)

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5

Welcome to the bonus posts! Who do you love? *Grins*

Author's notes: So, after writing this story, Momo and I realized we had lots of other bits and pieces that just NEEDED to be written down. I suppose these aren't deleted scenes so much as scenes from this world that didn't quite fit into the story. Mostly because we didn't want to write the in between bits. *looks sneaky* Consider them extra Hayate-Raidou-Genma stories! (There are, btw, at least three.)

Enjoy!

JBMcGroinWarrior and MessyGroinWarriorPeaches




**
Post One
**

Raidou looked at Hayate oddly. "Why do you ALWAYS brush your teeth naked?"

"What do you mean?" Hayate asked innocently.

"I mean, you were in your pajamas and you TOOK THEM OFF to brush your teeth! You didn't take a shower, and I know you're going to put them back on after!"

"Because the last time I brushed my teeth while wearing clothes," Hayate explained calmly, "a really hot, really naked version of the guy I'd had a crush on for years pulled me *through a mirror* and started kissing my neck." He blinked innocently at Raidou. "What if another version of you, with some extra yous and Genmas does that? I need to be ready now." He smiled.

**

The fight had gone perfectly, and Orochimaru had the Third exactly where he wanted him--almost dead. As he stared down at the broken, bloody Hokage, he had to ask, "Why are you *smiling*?"

"Because I know something you do not know," the Third said in a bad Spanish accent. "I am not left-handed!"

"Huh?" Orochimaru asked.

Then the clone vanished, and the Tower exploded.

"Well," Sandaime said from across the village. "Looks like that other world's intel was right. So much for that invasion." He dusted himself off, checked to make sure that the Sand dignitaries were dead, and smiled at his shinobi. "Let's go round up whoever's left and kill them."

**

Hayate sat in a kitchen chair, arms crossed on the table, his chin on top. "Would you still like me if I was blind?" he asked forlornly.

Raidou looked at him a moment. Took another sip of his coffee. "Yeah. Sure," he said, fairly nonchalant, and tried not to think about where this line of questioning was going.

Hayate scrunched both eyes closed in memory. "They were gonna take my eyes," he said quietly. He paused, then murmured, almost afraid of the answer, "Would you still like me if I had no eyes?"

Raidou leaned over to rub Hayate's shoulders and neck. "Yes." Aw, their little baby had had a bad mission. Well, he seemed okay. If he wanted to talk about it, good. Saved them a forced trip to the hospital.

Hayate felt relieved at that. It was good to know one would still be liked if one had no eyes. "What about if I had no nose?" he asked curiously.

"We'd have to put some sort of scarf over the hole to keep bugs from flying in it," Raidou said. Oh, good. Hayate's little train of thought was going to derail itself. This was great! Why couldn't his trains of thought ever do this?

"Ew. Gross," Hayate chuckled. "What if I was missing my eyes *and* my nose?"

"Then we'd stop taking you to the theatre."

"What if I had no ears and there were maggots in the holes?"

"You'd probably be dead, and I would be sad."

Hayate rolled his head around to look at Raidou and smiled, feeling better. He'd be sad. "What if . . . what if I wasn't dead, and I was in the hospital?"

"We'd visit every day. And we'd still like you. But we wouldn't like the maggots," Raidou added.

Hayate sat up. "What if the maggots were sentient and that was how I could talk?"

"Well . . . I probably wouldn't ask for blowjobs very often. But we'd still like you. Also, you should know that maggots can't speak. They have a little mouth with a little circle of teeth, but no vocal chords."

Hayate just shrugged. "They're magic maggots."

"I might try to cook a few. Just to see if they taste different from normal maggots."

Hayate looked at him askance. "Rai. You're *gross.*" He got up and went to shower.

**

Genma looked at his lovers and finally asked, "Why do the both of you always brush your teeth naked?"

**

Raidou was thirty-two. Genma was thirty. Hayate had just turned twenty. This occasionally caused problems.

"It's so nice to see an unorthodox family out for dinner," their server said, smiling brightly at the three men at her table. "Did you adopt him?"

Hayate stared at her, dumbfounded. She couldn't be *serious*, could she?

"Yes, we took him in," Raidou said without blinking.

Hayate stared at Raidou. That bastard!

"That's so sweet!" she purred.

"We're gonna need another minute to decide," Genma said, and she headed off.

"You *took me in*?" Hayate hissed, hitting Raidou.

"Technically," Raidou said, "We did. Now get over here and sit in my lap."

"Little boy," Genma added with a leer.

Glee wiped out anger long enough for Hayate to use all the ANBU training he'd gone through over the last year to leap into Raidou's lap, despite table and chairs, and he did it without knocking over any beer at all. "You're *both* fucktards. And *old*," he added, looking at Genma.

"That's a cute word. Did you make that up?" Genma asked, shifting closer to Raidou and sticking his hand into Hayate's lap. He started merrily molesting his thigh (and other parts).

Hayate squirmed, trying to hold onto anger even in the face of hormonal almost-teenage lust. Then Raidou's hand hit his stomach and his tongue went down Hayate's throat, and Hayate decided that anger was really, really overrated. But you know what wasn't overrated? Sex. Sex was not, nor could ever be, overrated. Sex was awesome. Sex with hot guys? Even better. And sex with TWO hot guys? Heehhhhh. And in public?! His brain melted.

"Did, you, uh, decide what you wanted?" the server squeaked.

"Ohhhh, yeah," Hayate whimpered against Raidou.

"We'll need a pitcher of beer, a round of tequila shots, and your appetizer platter," Genma ordered for everyone. "Oh, and the one we took in will probably want cheesecake. At some point. Technically, he's already got us." He stopped groping Hayate just long enough to clap before going back to teasingly pulling at buttons. He wouldn't actually *unbutton* anything here, but teasing he could do.

Twenty minutes later . . .

"So, I heard a creepy gay couple was molesting their son," Ibiki said, standing at their table.

Hayate had his mouth full of cheesecake. He almost spat it all back up. "Yeah," he said through creamy filling. "It was great."

"It's just that he's so cute," Genma said. "He's like this little jack rabbit. I mean, we already got him off, and we could probably do it again as soon as we get home."

"We could do it now!" Hayate said cheerfully. "Again!"

"How about no?" Ibiki said. "Move over, Genma."

"Maaaan," Hayate whined, though he was grinning wickedly. "You ruin all my fun. Cheesecake?"

"Yes, please. Thank you. And I'm not ruining your fun. I'm going to sit here and observe the creepy gay couple," he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "Because apparently this is the one waitress in town that doesn't know Genma, and has never seen Hayate. I don't know where the hell she's from. Then I'm going to go tell her what's going on, and laugh at her, and then scare the hell out of her. I doubt she'll make assumptions like that again."

"Good," Hayate muttered darkly.

"Good, thanks," Raidou said easily.

"Stupid waitress," Hayate muttered.

"Although I can see where she'd misjudge your age," Ibiki said.

"Fuck off," Hayate grumbled. "I just like older men," he continued pompously. He grinned.

"Yup, us old antiques really get him going," Raidou said dryly. "Too bad we'll have to go home, take our dentures out and sleep for twelve hours when we get back."

Hayate looked at him sidelong. "I was thinking you knew where to put your hands already . . ."

"Because hand to cock is so complicated," Genma teased. "I mean, *you* figured that one out."

"I was *trying* to give you a compliment, dork," Hayate shot back. "But, fine. You're just old. I obviously need to find some people with more stamina. I wonder what Kiba and Shino are doing . . ." he looked around the bar.

Ibiki laughed. "Hayate, don't you know anything? You're too old for them."

"I am not!" Hayate yelped. "And that's not funny! They're sixteen!"

"You're four years older than them! That's ancient."

"I'm *experienced.* It's like bagging a MILF." At Ibiki's blank look, Hayate sighed and explained, "Mother I'd Love to Fuck." He frowned. "Only, Male, I guess."

Genma and Raidou cracked up. "We know you love to fuck! It's your primary motivation for breathing most of the time!"

"It was a reason to make ANBU," he said smugly. "And weren't you just touting my jack-rabbit-like abilities?"

"We like your jack-rabbit-like abilities! Stop calling us old! Call us old when we hit fifty, okay? Fifty is old."

Hayate rolled his eyes, thoroughly enjoying baiting his guys. "Then *I'll* be old, too. I probably won't think you're old anymore."

"Well, now he's being an ass," Raidou said. "I don't want to give him a present anymore." He pulled out a box.

It didn't really matter what was in the box. It was A Box. And it was A Present. Hayate forgot all about the cheesecake, and snuggled up as close to Raidou as he could possibly get--back in his lap, even. "Present? For me? Please? Pleasepleaseplease?"

After a moment, Raidou sighed and handed him the box.

Hayate nearly squeaked--except ninja, men, and ANBU, NONE of them squeaked. He was, damn it, a manly ninja ANBU-man! He tore open paper and yanked open the box.

Handcuffs hit the table with a click-clack. His eyes went wide. Handcuffs as a present meant sex where he'd be tied up. That meant all the attention would be. On. Him. Except when they were playing with each other and he could SEE them, and that was almost as good, and then the attention went back to him! He might have squealed again, but he was a manlyninjaANBUman.

"Oh, god," Ibiki said, putting one hand to his forehead. "Okay, look, I'm taking your pitcher of beer." He reached out and grabbed it, then gestured. "I'm going to go deal with the waitress. Stop. Having sex. In public. If you must have sex in public, do it in the bathroom stalls like everyone else. If you do it again, I'm going to have the ANBU come and take you away."

"We *are* the ANBU," Hayate pointed out, playing with his handcuffs. They were chakra-enhanced. He actually wouldn't be able to pick these!

"Yeah, well, you know the people you graduated with?" Ibiki said, then let it dangle. "Send you on missions in three different directions," he muttered as he walked away.

"Oh, that's just *mean*," Hayate exclaimed quietly. Then he went back to playing with his handcuffs. "We can use these tonight, right?"

Raidou reached out and clicked one snug around Hayate's wrist, the metal shuddering closed with slow, deliberate tocks. "Sure," he purred.

Hayate nearly swooned, except for the aforementioned manlyninjaANBUman thing.

**

It took almost a whole day to make, because Raidou wasn't good with Marzipan.
But Hayate loved the ornate little candy dungeon.

**

For Drel's eyes only (but everyone else can read it, too):

"I heard," Hayate said solemnly, "that Kakashi once did it TWELVE TIMES."

Gai's face twitched. "I must go defeat my Eternal Rival's Most Hip Record!"

". . . You really shouldn't do that to him," Raidou said, watching Gai sprint off.

"I just want to know if he can make it fit."

And that's how Gai got arrested for public indecency. And abuse of a grapefruit. Well, technically, twelve of them.

**

Hayate pushed the shopping cart behind Genma and Raidou, hanging off the bar. "What if I had no head and there was blood spurting out my neck?"

"Are you still alive?" Raidou asked. "'Cause if you're not you'd be dead, and I'd be sad."

"Still alive!" Hayate chirped.

"Then we'd hump that hole, too," Genma said without looking back. "It'd be serious deep-throating."

Hayate cracked up.

**

"Hey, Raidou--HOLY JESUS CHRIST WHO LIVES IN HEAVEN!" Pakkun staggered back, both paws over his eyes. "SANTA FRANSICO DE ASSISI, PROTECT ME!"

"You could knock," Raidou said after spitting out his toothpaste.

"In the name of the Holy Mother, why are the three of you brushing your teeth NAKED?"

*****************