I was going to do this tonight. But, hey, I woke up stupidly early so I might as well do this now. >.>

But, mwahaha, I won't crosspost until tonight, so anyone checking this LJ will see it 12 hours early!

Title: The Great Bathroom Mirror Escapades, Vol 6: OMG! Gettin' Some!
Status: First arc complete and posted!
Rating: Eh, R, to be on the safe side, for language and implied sex.
Characters: Primarily Raidou, Genma, and Hayate.
Genre: Humor, citrus.

Summary: Next in MessyPeaches and JBMcDragon's crack-over series, combining The Kakashi Mission world, the Side Effects world, and now the Broken Ninja world! (But be happy. We only use a minor character from there, so you don't have to read it.)

Hayate is dead in every dimension. ...Well. Almost. (Links to previous volumes and the pertinent stories are in chapter 1.)

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4



Chapter Five: Gettin' Hitched

Hayate practically staggered into the house after a particularly long and boring, if not horribly difficult, mission, and back toward his bedroom, mumbling something along the lines of, 'Ugh, sleep,' when Raidou called a hello from the kitchen.

His bed was gone. He found this out when he flopped on the floor. "Ow," he said into the wood. He pushed up. The guest bedroom--HIS bedroom--had been changed. There was a counter and some glass cases, and a humidifier. A book shelf contained his books on orchids, and there were a few new plants that he certainly hadn't bought--he recognized one as waaaaay out of his price range, though he'd been aw'ing over it (discreetly, because guys didn't aw and ANBU didn't aw and aw'ing just wasn't manly anyway)--and there was a little table with a chair.

Hayate walked back out of his bedroom, to the kitchen. Raidou was cooking. Surreptitiously, Hayate glanced around.

No room additions. Definitely no bed. Maybe they figured if he was making enough money, he should get his own place. That was going to suck, and be really, really annoying. Especially since it was easier to get laid regularly--sex had become a lot more regular lately--when he lived with the guys he wanted to hump. Or be humped by. He leaned against the wall and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "So I noticed you got rid of my bed," he said, a little testy.

"Yup."

"Rai!" Hayate whined--no, no, ANBU didn't whine.

"We also threw away the porn you had under the mattress. It didn't look like you'd been using it for a long time."

Hayate flopped down into a kitchen chair and half-sprawled across the table, too tired to sit up. "But--well, okay, I hadn't been using the porn." Then something occurred to him, and he straightened up. "My origami vagina was in there!"

"Oh, we saved that. Genma's getting it lacquered."

Hayate wrinkled his nose. "Oh." He relaxed again. Then frowned. "But--you got rid of my bed! I used the bed! I was gonna use it *right now!*"

"Awww, did you have a tough mission?"

He felt better at the little bit of sympathy. "Yeah," he mumbled. "And I stepped in an ant hill." He lifted his foot up to show off his still-red ankle. "See?"

Raidou caught his ankle and patted his knee.

"And I don't want to move ouuuuut!"

"We're only moving you out of that room."

"Well, then where am I going to sleep?" Hayate nearly whined, tugging his foot back and letting it drop.

"In the bed," Raidou said, like he was some sort of an idiot.

How dare he say that like Hayate was some sort of idiot! "You got *rid* of my bed!" Hayate nearly shouted. He wasn't the idiot here!

"You're such a cute little moron," Raidou said fondly. And maybe condescendingly. Hayate glared. Raidou walked over, picked him up--Hayate muttered a protest, but didn't *really* mind because, hey, he was tired--and took him into Raidou and Genma's bedroom. Then dropped him on the bed.

Hayate 'oofed.' He glanced around, disgruntled. "Heyyyyy . . ." he said slowly. "You got a bigger bed." He eyeballed Raidou.

"Yes. Yes, we did," Raidou said. "Go to sleep. I'll wake you up when dinner's ready." Hopefully once he'd slept, and was awake again, he'd figure it out. Cute little idiot. How *had* he made ANBU? Sheer enthusiasm. That had to be it.

"Hey!" Hayate sat up, looking around. "Am I sleeping *here*?"

Raidou had left, though.

Hayate scrambled out of the (big, cushiony, so-soft, calling him to sleep) bed, and back into the kitchen. "Rai! Am I seriously sleeping in there?"

"There's some paperwork in the living room you have to fill out when you're awake," Raidou said, gesturing. "And try this sauce, does this taste right to you?" Hayate may have decided he didn't want to cook as a hobby, but Raidou knew full well that he *could*.

Hayate padded into the room in his socks and tasted off of the spoon. "Needs some sugar to cut the acid," he said. He debated bothering Raidou some more, then decided sleep was more important, and paperwork was boring. He'd figure out where his bed was later.

And if they'd put it in the yard as some kind of butt-wipe joke, he was going to kick their asses.

**

He woke when the food smelled really, really good. Not just really good, but really, really good.

Oh, gods, that smelled like *duck*. He LOVED duck. He followed his nose back out to the kitchen--though he did manage to change into not-stinky clothes first--and sat down at the table hopefully.

There was all *sorts* of good things cooking. Duck with crispy skin, and pumpkin stew--Genma's favorite--and some kind of yummy bread, and--

"It's not ready yet, go fill out the paperwork in the living room," Genma said without looking up from his tea.

"Geeeeeeeeeez," Hayate sighed, and dragged himself back up from the table. "It smells *really really* good, Rai!" he called back over his shoulder, hoping he might at least be able to scrounge a BITE. He'd been gone for almost two weeks and living on rations that *whole time.* He sat down on the couch and started shuffling through mounds of paperwork. He frowned at something about a psyche eval--hadn't he already *done* that?--and the fact that everything was in triplicate.

"Cripes," he muttered, before finally shutting the file, re-opening it, and reading the first page.

"Application for inclusion of significant other, including but not limited to husband, wife, variations thereof, girlfriend, boyfriend, variations thereof, soul mate--" He blinked and started flipping again.

Genma and Raidou's names were already filled out through the rest of it, and there was just one space left for his.

This was--this was--

He flipped through it again. He knew this form. They didn't have one quite like it in his OLD Konoha, but he'd learned about it here. It was a form to establish that the people who'd signed it were all romantically linked. Practically *married*. Married, according to all mission superiors and doctors and--and--

All shinobi.

In the kitchen, all Genma and Raidou could hear was the sound of flipping pages. And then silence. And then more page flipping. And then silence.

"How many times do you think he's gonna read it?" Genma whispered.

"Shut up!" Raidou whispered back.

"I can't find a fucking pen!" Hayate shouted from the living room, frantically looking under the couch. He'd already checked the damn pen holder! Hadn't he? He checked again.

"There's one next to the pile of paperwork!" Raidou yelled. It was a nice pen, too. They'd gotten it special, just for this. "It's in a box!" They already knew he was going to lose it, but at least he had it now.

Hayate snatched the box up, opened it, and grinned. Then he proceeded to sign his name.

About a MILLION TIMES.

Cripes, he hated forms in triplicate. Once he was sure he'd signed everything, he stacked everything up and wondered if he was supposed to carry it back into the kitchen, or leave it here, or--or--

"Dinner's ready."

He grabbed the stuff, put it back down, and hurried into the kitchen. At the doorway he skidded to a stop and tried to look cool and unruffled. "Okay, so I signed everything," he said as nonchalantly as he possibly could, as if he didn't at all care that he'd just been asked and had accepted a ninja-marriage.

Luckily, Genma and Raidou had long since learned his fake nonchalance, and could tell that what it really meant was, "SQUEEE! DO ME! Oh my god I want you now!"

Raidou just crooked a finger at him.

Hayate grinned and jumped on the other man.

**

Epilogue:
Three years plus a little later:

"Have you found a way to bring Hayate home?" Iruka asked, stepping into the Sandaime's temporary office. After they'd blown up the entire Tower, catching most of Sand and all of Sound in the blast and annihilating them all, they'd moved all the offices to another building while the Tower was rebuilt.

Sandaime glanced at the photo Hayate had sent, scrawled with, "Our anniversary!" on the back. Three shoulders--and the littlest one had to be Hayate's--and three ANBU tattoos. Thankfully, nothing else could be seen. "Well," he said, "it looks like Hayate won't be coming back. He's now . . ." how to put it? "Married." To multiple people. "And he's strengthening Konoha where he is." Not *their* Konoha, but better *a* Konoha than, say, Sand. "So he'll be remaining there."

"Well," Iruka said after a minute, "At least he's happy."

Sandaime thought of the most recent letter he'd received, filled with Too Much Detail. "Yes. He is that." And, given that everything else that Iruka had predicted had come true, Hayate was alive as well.

The End!

Author's notes: This is not, in fact, the end of this Genma-Raidou-Hayate thingy. There were a MILLION other mini-stories that needed to be written, that just BEGGED to be written--at least two posts worth, possibly three--and Momo and I dutifully wrote them. Look for the first of the posts this weekend.

JBMcGroinWarrior and MessyGroinWarriorPeaches