JBMcDragon (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} jbmcdragon) wrote,@ 2007-02-18 17:53:00 |
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Feeling bleh. Need a pick-me-up. So.... Posting the next chapter of Mirrors!
Notes and whatnot in the first post.
The Great Bathroom Mirror Escapades Vol 6:
OMG! Gettin' Some!
By JBMcGroinWarrior and MessyGroinWarriorPeaches
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter Three: Gettin' Some
It was almost nine before Kakashi started walking back, Hayate in tow.
"Look," Kakashi said, "it's not that I have anything against you. It's that you came here, and the first thing you did was try to molest my boyfriend."
"I did not!" Hayate protested.
"You were *writhing* against him."
Hayate blushed. "Yeah, but he was all groping me!"
"He was making sure you were you and not dead."
"How was I supposed to know?" Hayate yelped.
Kakashi stopped in front of his door, ignoring Hayate. "Hayate," he said suddenly, "Go to Genma's."
". . . Is everything okay? Maybe I should help--" Hayate began.
"Just go to Genma's," Kakashi interrupted. "Raidou's a better cook for dinner than I am, anyway."
Slowly, Hayate turned and headed back down the road, glancing back several times before he finally gave up and turned the corner.
Kakashi took a very deep breath and opened the door, already knowing more or less what he was going to see.
The Third Hokage sat in his kitchen, a steaming cup of tea in front of him. The pot was in the middle of the table, an empty cup with a saucer in front of the other chair. A masked ANBU stood behind Sandaime at attention.
The Hokage smiled and set his cup down.
"Hello, Hokage-sama. I assume this is about your missing Jounin." Then Kakashi belatedly remembered Hayate wasn't a Jounin in that world. Oh well. Whatever.
The Third gestured to the other chair. "Please. Sit," he said pleasantly.
Kakashi took the empty seat, and noticed the empty cup before him was perfectly clean. "All right. What am I going to have to do to keep you from killing my boyfriend?" He didn't feel any reason to be overly formal with a guy who was dead.
"Your boyfriend is . . .?" the Hokage asked.
"You're a smart enough man to have gone through the apartment and have figured it out. And if you haven't I don't feel any reason to help you. You're not actually my Hokage, you understand."
A vein in the Hokage's forehead pulsed. "I see you don't get any less impertinent with age, Kakashi," he said with a forced smile. "Mind explaining to me what this is about?" He gestured, and the ANBU put down the note Iruka had left on the mirror, regarding the Hayate trade.
"Hayate was a very dear friend of Iruka's," Kakashi said. "He's simply trying to avoid him dying. Again."
"And the bit about my death?"
"Happened here. Happens fairly consistently. Most of the time the mirror shows us worlds that are synched with our time. So unless in your world Orochimaru is a friendly person who bakes cookies . . ."
A smile twitched across the Hokage's mouth. The smile in no way made it seem like Kakashi was in any less danger. "So, you'd like to keep a valuable asset of my village, whom you kidnapped." Kakashi looked like he might say something. The Hokage glared until he stopped. "Excuse me, you and your boyfriend kidnapped."
Iruka, Kakashi decided then and there, was soooo very lucky that Kakashi loved him. A lot. Enough to put up with shit like this. That didn't mean the amount of sex he was owed right now was anything but ass-tronomical. Ohhhh, Iruka was so wearing whatever little outfit Kakashi found for him. He began planning the things Iruka owed him. A backrub, a footrub, a blowjob. And a bedtime story!
"I'll need to speak with Hayate, of course," the Hokage said, and something in his expression made it quite clear that he'd been aware Hayate had been AT THE DOOR.
Kakashi nodded. "Would you like me to send a summon, or should I go myself?"
"Wait a moment," Sandaime said. "Let's discuss this . . . trade." He lifted an eyebrow.
Kakashi was very thankful that Iruka had told him about this in advance--never mind that he thought it was a bad idea, and was currently being proved right in a multitude of ways. At least he'd seen it coming.
Iruka was going to need a three-day weekend to pay him back for this. Three days. Seventy-two hours. Non-stop Kakashi pampering.
"You are aware that Konoha doesn't *trade* people for such information, correct?"
"I'm aware it's not official policy."
The Sandaime might have chuckled. It was hard to tell. "Why don't you send Pakkun to find Hayate for me."
Kakashi nodded and bit his thumb. Really, he would have preferred to use a kunai, rather than bruising his finger by chewing on it through the mask, but he didn't think it wise to pull out a weapon right now. Damn. Now he had a hole in his mask. He hated that.
"I thought you said he was dead!" Pakkun said, eyeing Sandaime. "You were all depressed and shit!"
Sandaime resisted a smile. He loved that little dog.
"Go get Hayate."
"I thought you said he was dead!" Pakkun yelled.
"Just go to Genma and Raidou's house and get Hayate."
"Is he in a jar?! What else have you neglected to tell me?"
"Pakkun!" Kakashi said, voice rising and chakra flaring slightly. "We can havethisconversationlater!"
"Christ, fine, I think you'd be happy your Hokage wasn't dead," Pakkun bitched as he wandered out the door.
They sat in heavy silence until Pakkun returned, Hayate in tow.
"Sandaime-sama!" he said excitedly. Then his face fell. "You're not stuck here, too, are you?"
Sandaime looked flatly at Kakashi. "Yes," he said blandly. "For the time being. Kakashi, if you'd give us a moment alone? Pakkun, why don't you stay."
Kakashi got up and headed out the door, waiting there, aware that the ANBU had just thrown up a sound barrier. Jerk.
Inside, the Hokage lifted Pakkun up onto the table and fished out a doggie biscuit. "Aren't you just the nicest pup in every dimension?" he asked, snapping his fingers until the ANBU guard fished out the better doggie treats. These ones were real meat.
Pakkun sniffed at the air and his tail started wagging full throttle. "You're looking very good for your age, sir!"
"If only I could trade you for my grandson," the Sandaime muttered, and gave Pakkun the meaty treats before rubbing his belly.
"Um, Hokage-sama? You wanted to see me?" Hayate asked.
"Yes, yes," Sandaime said, picking Pakkun up and cradling him upside down in one arm, alternately rubbing his belly and giving him treats with the other hand. "Look at these tiny paws!"
Pakkun wiggled them.
"Genzou, go see if Kakashi has any *actual* meat in this place. Do you prefer raw or cooked?" he asked Pakkun solicitously.
"Just lightly seared," he requested.
The ANBU didn't sigh, and headed to the fridge to find something.
Outside, a few minutes later, Kakashi sniffed the air and looked with alarm toward the house. Why was he smelling meat cooking? God, he hoped it wasn't his dog. He was just going to pretend it was the neighbors . . . What was he going to do otherwise? Report it to Tsunade? He couldn't report it to anybody! He *knew* what Iruka was doing was shady and sneaky and so not-right!
Inside, the Hokage gave Pakkun tiny bits of seared fillet minon that the ANBU had found thawing in the fridge. "Have they hurt you?" he asked, not actually bothering to look at Hayate.
"No, sir," Hayate said, watching, mildly disturbed that the Hokage was so very interested in the dog. "I was sleeping on Genma and Raidou's couch, but they cleared out the guest bedroom for me. They've been very nice."
"That's good." Sandaime looked up from under the brim of his hat. "Are you happy here?"
". . . The people are nice," Hayate said slowly. "I mean, if I'm stuck it's not a bad place to be stuck. I think they might instate me as a ninja here, and then I could do missions so I wouldn't be so bored. And they liked the other me, so . . ." He shrugged.
"Well, that's good," Sandaime said. "We'll look into getting you home."
"Aren't you stuck?" Hayate asked.
"Once you'd gone through and we knew what to expect, we were able to take precautions. Myself and Genzou are protected," Sandaime lied effortlessly. "If we're unable to find a way back for you, will you be all right here?"
"Yeah," Hayate said slowly. "Will you tell everyone I said . . . um . . ."
"You can write everyone letters," Sandaime said, "and I will deliver them myself." It wasn't entirely a lie. He would take the letters.
"Okay," Hayate said, nodding quickly.
"And we may yet find a way back. Now." He smiled. "I stole you from your dinner. Why don't you return, and allow me to speak with Kakashi." It wasn't really a request. Nothing the Sandaime ever said was truly a request.
"Sure. Thanks, Sandaime," Hayate said, standing. "Will I see you again?"
"In a few days, most certainly," the Hokage said. He smiled comfortingly, and when Hayate left he quickly set Pakkun on the floor, winking at him and handing him three more doggie treats to go. "Tell Kakashi to come back in, please," he asked Pakkun politely.
Pakkun waddled out the door.
"He fed you a steak!" Kakashi said, vaguely affronted. "I thought he cooked you!"
"Thank you for saving me. ASS," Pakkun grumbled. "I'm gonna eat some grass, puke, and go back in. He wants you." He waddled toward the lawn.
"Try to puke in the bushes!" Kakashi told him before going inside. "You know dogs aren't smart enough to know when to STOP eating, right? Even the really smart ones?"
Sandaime raised an arch eyebrow. "If you fed the poor thing properly, I wouldn't have to. Now. This information offered," he waved the note, "is certainly not enough. I'd like to speak with Iruka, if you honestly want to keep Hayate."
Honestly? He didn't. But keeping *a* Sandaime alive was slightly more interesting. "I'll go get him." Since Pakkun would certainly not be able to make the trip in his current bloated condition.
When Kakashi returned with Iruka, there were two little piles of Pakkun vomit outside the bushes, and the ANBU with Sandaime had figured out how to work the microwave to thaw the rest of the meat in the freezer. The Hokage was still feeding the pug.
Iruka had a heavy file under one arm. He'd gathered information before he'd made the trade offer, and sorted everything into two piles: one with the dates missing, which he was using as bait, and one with dates that he'd hand over once they'd made a deal. That file was still at the school.
The Hokage didn't look up from squeezing Pakkun's itty bitty paws when they entered, but he did look up a moment later. Iruka set the date-less file on the table. The Hokage reached out and pulled it closer, paging through slowly, rubbing Pakkun's belly while he read.
"If you change any one thing, everything after that will probably change, too," Iruka pointed out. "I included the timeline up to the day you die, so that you can see the overlapping elements between this world and yours."
"Hmm," Sandaime said, and continued reading. He glanced up when he reached the end. "You know if I leave my Chuunin here, and this proves to be some sort of hoax, I will be rather upset."
"You would be perfectly within your rights to be upset," Kakashi said, kicking Iruka's ankle. Hard. *Shut up, you idiot, you've fucked things up!* he wanted to say, but didn't. *Next weekend is Kakashi-weekend!*
Iruka wasn't certain what Kakashi was going to demand from him in return for all this bullshit, but he was certain it would involve that new skirt.
"And I'm sure that *your* Hokage would be interested to know about this trade, should this prove to be wrong," Sandaime added. Neither of their expressions changed--they were too good for that--but he knew whatever they were doing was far under the radar. "And should I ever find out that my Chuunin is being mistreated, I would be very, very upset." He glanced back down. "And I'd like a list of five people, dead in this world. Myself, Genzou here, and Hayate already make up three." He smiled. "I don't think two more is much to ask."
"Mizuki," Iruka offered. "Idomu," he added after a moment.
Sandaime nodded. "Good. I'm going to look over this information, and I'll return in two days. I'll expect a timetable with dates then."
"Understood. What time should we expect you?"
Sandaime gave the last of the steak to Pakkun, and said, "Some time after five. And I'll expect Hayate here." He rubbed Pakkun's belly. "And Pakkun, too."
"Neh neh neh," said Pakkun, waggling his paws. Sandaime squeezed a paw once more, then turned Pakkun over and set him on the floor. Where he promptly collapsed and sprawled on his side.
The Hokage stood. "Thank you for the tea," he said politely, and left through the bathroom mirror as regally as anyone possibly could when leaving through a bathroom mirror.
Pakkun barfed on the floor.
**
Hayate poked at his food without actually eating anything.
"What's wrong?" Raidou asked, rubbing his shoulder.
Hayate leaned over into Raidou's hip before Raidou moved away. "Sandaime came through, and he doesn't seem very hopeful that I'll be able to go home."
That meant that whatever Iruka was up to was working, Raidou thought. The conniving little bastard. "I'm sorry," Raidou said.
Hayate sighed. "You guys are all really nice and all," he said glumly, "but . . . well, all my friends here aren't my friends, or they're old--" he stopped and blinked up. "I mean, they *were* nineteen like me, not that you're old. You're more like an acquaintance in my world." He was pretty sure he'd swallowed his foot and was working his way past his ankle. Damn. He was *never* going to convince them to have sex with him at this rate.
Raidou ruffled his hair.
"Um. Yeah. Thanks." Hayate set it back to rights again. "Anyway--it's just not *home,* you know?"
"Yeah, I can understand that feeling."
Hayate poked at his food again. "At least Kakashi's students seem really nice. They're not *much* younger than me." He smiled at his plate. "And the guys are hot."
"Yeah, but the girl will eat your head off," Genma said, reaching out with his foot under the table and nudging Hayate gently in the shin.
Hayate grinned. "I guess you don't mean that in a good, fun sort of way."
"I don't actually know if they'd be open to a fourth or not," Raidou said. "You're gay, right?"
Hayate nodded.
"Then probably not, because you don't want Sakura to feel left out. It might make her grouchy."
"I could *improvise*," Hayate said. He eyed the two men. "I mean, so far there's nothing *better* available . . ." he waited hopefully.
"Sorry," Genma said flippantly, "we only sleep with other Special Jounin."
Hayate put his fork down and leaned across the table. "So, if I were a Special Jounin, you'd sleep with me?"
Raidou looked at Genma and took a deep mental breath. Genma ignored him and grinned. "Sure. Wait, wait--just so we're clear, what's Special Jounin in your world?"
"Like, a battlefield commendation," Hayate said.
"Oh, no, too easy," Raidou said. "Special Jounin's damn near ANBU."
"Damn," Hayate muttered, but his mind was already working. "Would you help me train?"
"Yeah, but you'd still have to pass the test here. So don't even worry about it unless you're gonna stay."
"What if I came back and passed the test and visited?" he asked craftily.
"Well, I doubt they'd let you take the test--okay, if you make ANBU in your world, that'll be close enough."
"Okay," Hayate said, grinning. He dug in and ate the rest of his dinner quite happily.
Later that night, after Hayate went to bed, Raidou punched Genma in the arm. "What the fuck did you just agree to?"
"Look, he's cute. It'll motivate him. He probably won't make it," Genma said. "He's nineteen and he's only Chuunin."
"And what'll you do if he does?" Raidou said.
"I'm gonna bang his brains out!" Genma laughed. "I'm a man of my word!"
**
Two days later, the Hokage sat in Kakashi and Iruka's kitchen once again across from Hayate. "We aren't going to be able to bring you back over," he told Hayate solemnly. "We may have another chance four years from now, but it may not be possible even then."
Hayate nodded, upset and trying not to show it. "Okay," he said softly. "Well, at least the people here are nice, right? And I wrote letters to everyone at home . . ."
"I'm sure they'll all appreciate that," Sandaime said, smiling in a grandfatherly way. "And this Kakashi is going to see that I get letters monthly from you, to make sure everything is all right."
Hayate felt a bit of relief at that, he had to admit. "All right. Monthly." He nodded solemnly.
"I want you to treat this as a long-term mission," Sandaime said seriously. "I want you to make a home for yourself here, and gather information should it ever become necessary."
Hayate nodded quickly.
"And I've taken the liberty of selling your belongings, the ones that we couldn't bring through the portal, and converting that into gold." He handed over a small bag of coins.
"Whoa," Hayate said eloquently. Then he frowned. "My swords?"
"Sold well. But--" Sandaime continued quickly, "you can buy new ones, I’m sure."
". . . Oh," Hayate said, pouting. "Right."
"Well, then." The Hokage stood, shaking out his robes and setting down a bloated Pakkun. "The letters?"
Hayate handed them over quickly, and the Hokage watched as the young man headed out the door. He could see Genma waiting outside, and that was good.
"Well, all done then," he said cheerfully. "I'll expect letters. And feed that pup more," he said to Kakashi, then headed into the bathroom, through the mirror, and handed the stack of letters to his ANBU guard. "Burn these. Tell everyone he's on an undercover mission to, uh, Swamp. Nobody likes Swamp."
Back in Kakashi's apartment, Pakkun grinned up at Kakashi. "You heard the man. Feed me better."
"If I wanted a disgusting little ball of lard as a summon," Kakashi said blandly, "I would've never signed a blood-oath for dogs. Your chubby little ass is going on a diet."
Pakkun whined and tried to escape, but with his belly dragging on the ground it was awfully hard to move. Kakashi picked him up.
"First, a treadmill!"
**
The next two weeks was spent, for Hayate, passing a battery of tests. First Genin and Chuunin--they wanted to make sure he was what he was--and a whole ton of psychological exams, physical check ups, and a solid week of sitting across from Ibiki and convincing him that he wanted to be a loyal Konoha shinobi, that he'd been a loyal Konoha shinobi for years already.
He had to pause when, on the sixth day, Ibiki put aside all his paperwork and told him in stark honesty, "Look. If you become one of our shinobi, you're accepting that you're not going to what you previously considered home, because you will *be* home. No one's going to trust a shinobi who doesn't consider this their home. If you would like to stay at Chuunin level, we can arrange for you to take short-term missions of low import, probably nothing higher than B rank--and that only if something's gone wrong. If you would like to continue the testing and be signed up for the spring trials for Jounin, then you're accepting that this is your home."
Hayate had to think about that. In fact, after he'd thought about it for a few minutes, he looked up and asked, "Can I go back to Genma's and, um, think about it?"
"I would prefer it if you did. We'll call this and tomorrow an off day, and I will see you the following morning."
Hayate was really rather quiet that night, and most of the next day he spent in the park, watching various Genin teams train and still thinking. By the following morning, when he went back to Ibiki, he took a deep breath and smiled weakly.
"I'm not going home," he said, hands flat on the table to keep them from fidgeting.
"No, you are home," Ibiki corrected.
Hayate chewed on his lip. "I'm not going to my *former* home, because I am home," he said after a minute. "And, as such, I'd like to continue with the exams. Because this is it." He smiled weakly.
Ibiki debated. He figured Hayate didn't yet think of this as home, but the teenager was obviously realizing he wasn't going back, and it was only a matter of time before he acclimated. "All right," Ibiki said. "We have to wait on a couple of tests for your blood work, and in a few days you'll have to come in for a chakra screening and a jutsu screening. Neither of these hurt but they're incredibly boring. I suggest you bring a book. In the meantime, I suggest you start training. If you would like assistance in that, and you can't find anyone on your own, I'll set you up with different teachers."
"Genma said he'd help me," Hayate said, seeming lighter now that he had everything decided. "And as soon as I make Special Jounin, I get laid!"
Ibiki just started to laugh. "Well, Genma's going to be going on missions, so when he's not in town to help you on your quest for--" Ibiki stopped. "For when he's not in town, you can tell me and I'll help set you up with someone to help you train."
**
Eight months later . . .
"I didn't think you could go from Chuunin to ANBU in eight months," one man whispered to another.
Hayate preened. Tonight, he was getting LAID! He staggered down the street, so tired from training and exams that he could barely stand up. But he was getting LAID!
**
Later that night . . .
Raidou brushed Hayate's hair back from his face as the young man snored on his chest. "Poor guy, barely made it to the couch."
"He looks so happy, though," Genma said, curling against Hayate's back.
Hayate roused just enough to say, "'m 'wake!" and then fell back asleep.
**
The next morning . . .
"So, how'd you like sleeping with us?" Genma asked as Hayate opened his eyes and scanned the room like a proper ANBU.
Hayate shot awake. "What?! No! That's not fair!"
Raidou slung an arm around his waist and offered him a cup of coffee.
Hayate took it, nearly whimpering, and gave Raidou his best puppy-dog eyes--the ones that always got him an EXTRA portion of dinner.
"No, we're not sleeping with you." Raidou paused and waited for the waterworks.
"But--but--I did the work!" He looked beseechingly at Genma. "Come *on*!"
They just looked at him blankly until he was almost in tears.
"I--I--I even did BETTER than Special Jounin!" he nearly begged. Except, of course, ANBU didn't beg. They just pouted, and felt like they were about to cry. He sniffled.
Raidou kissed his neck.
"That's not sleeping with me and it's not a good substitution!" Hayate yelled.
Raidou bit his earlobe.
Hayate started to yell something else, then stopped. Wait a minute. This was like, FOREPLAY. "Are you two shitting me about the not-sleeping thing?" he asked suspiciously.
"We're not sleeping with you today," Genma said, "or tonight, because you probably can't move that well. Stiff?"
". . . Parts of me could be," Hayate said hopefully.
"I mean your legs. Muscles. Not that muscle." Raidou sucked on his earlobe.
Hayate squirmed away from the hair that tickled his neck. "Um. Yeah, I guess." More than 'guess.' Now that Genma had pointed it out he wasn't sure he wanted to walk. Oh, sure, he could if they offered lots of sex, but a measly invasion wasn't going to get him moving.
"So let's give you a few days to recover from your monumental achievement," Genma said.
"And then we'll bang you senseless," Raidou purred in his ear.
Hayate nearly melted into a pile of goo. This was even better than the naked-photos album. So, so much better. Then he realized they'd left. Damn it!
. . . And he was too tired to even jerk off. Bastards!
******************
Notes and whatnot in the first post.
The Great Bathroom Mirror Escapades Vol 6:
OMG! Gettin' Some!
By JBMcGroinWarrior and MessyGroinWarriorPeaches
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter Three: Gettin' Some
It was almost nine before Kakashi started walking back, Hayate in tow.
"Look," Kakashi said, "it's not that I have anything against you. It's that you came here, and the first thing you did was try to molest my boyfriend."
"I did not!" Hayate protested.
"You were *writhing* against him."
Hayate blushed. "Yeah, but he was all groping me!"
"He was making sure you were you and not dead."
"How was I supposed to know?" Hayate yelped.
Kakashi stopped in front of his door, ignoring Hayate. "Hayate," he said suddenly, "Go to Genma's."
". . . Is everything okay? Maybe I should help--" Hayate began.
"Just go to Genma's," Kakashi interrupted. "Raidou's a better cook for dinner than I am, anyway."
Slowly, Hayate turned and headed back down the road, glancing back several times before he finally gave up and turned the corner.
Kakashi took a very deep breath and opened the door, already knowing more or less what he was going to see.
The Third Hokage sat in his kitchen, a steaming cup of tea in front of him. The pot was in the middle of the table, an empty cup with a saucer in front of the other chair. A masked ANBU stood behind Sandaime at attention.
The Hokage smiled and set his cup down.
"Hello, Hokage-sama. I assume this is about your missing Jounin." Then Kakashi belatedly remembered Hayate wasn't a Jounin in that world. Oh well. Whatever.
The Third gestured to the other chair. "Please. Sit," he said pleasantly.
Kakashi took the empty seat, and noticed the empty cup before him was perfectly clean. "All right. What am I going to have to do to keep you from killing my boyfriend?" He didn't feel any reason to be overly formal with a guy who was dead.
"Your boyfriend is . . .?" the Hokage asked.
"You're a smart enough man to have gone through the apartment and have figured it out. And if you haven't I don't feel any reason to help you. You're not actually my Hokage, you understand."
A vein in the Hokage's forehead pulsed. "I see you don't get any less impertinent with age, Kakashi," he said with a forced smile. "Mind explaining to me what this is about?" He gestured, and the ANBU put down the note Iruka had left on the mirror, regarding the Hayate trade.
"Hayate was a very dear friend of Iruka's," Kakashi said. "He's simply trying to avoid him dying. Again."
"And the bit about my death?"
"Happened here. Happens fairly consistently. Most of the time the mirror shows us worlds that are synched with our time. So unless in your world Orochimaru is a friendly person who bakes cookies . . ."
A smile twitched across the Hokage's mouth. The smile in no way made it seem like Kakashi was in any less danger. "So, you'd like to keep a valuable asset of my village, whom you kidnapped." Kakashi looked like he might say something. The Hokage glared until he stopped. "Excuse me, you and your boyfriend kidnapped."
Iruka, Kakashi decided then and there, was soooo very lucky that Kakashi loved him. A lot. Enough to put up with shit like this. That didn't mean the amount of sex he was owed right now was anything but ass-tronomical. Ohhhh, Iruka was so wearing whatever little outfit Kakashi found for him. He began planning the things Iruka owed him. A backrub, a footrub, a blowjob. And a bedtime story!
"I'll need to speak with Hayate, of course," the Hokage said, and something in his expression made it quite clear that he'd been aware Hayate had been AT THE DOOR.
Kakashi nodded. "Would you like me to send a summon, or should I go myself?"
"Wait a moment," Sandaime said. "Let's discuss this . . . trade." He lifted an eyebrow.
Kakashi was very thankful that Iruka had told him about this in advance--never mind that he thought it was a bad idea, and was currently being proved right in a multitude of ways. At least he'd seen it coming.
Iruka was going to need a three-day weekend to pay him back for this. Three days. Seventy-two hours. Non-stop Kakashi pampering.
"You are aware that Konoha doesn't *trade* people for such information, correct?"
"I'm aware it's not official policy."
The Sandaime might have chuckled. It was hard to tell. "Why don't you send Pakkun to find Hayate for me."
Kakashi nodded and bit his thumb. Really, he would have preferred to use a kunai, rather than bruising his finger by chewing on it through the mask, but he didn't think it wise to pull out a weapon right now. Damn. Now he had a hole in his mask. He hated that.
"I thought you said he was dead!" Pakkun said, eyeing Sandaime. "You were all depressed and shit!"
Sandaime resisted a smile. He loved that little dog.
"Go get Hayate."
"I thought you said he was dead!" Pakkun yelled.
"Just go to Genma and Raidou's house and get Hayate."
"Is he in a jar?! What else have you neglected to tell me?"
"Pakkun!" Kakashi said, voice rising and chakra flaring slightly. "We can havethisconversationlater!"
"Christ, fine, I think you'd be happy your Hokage wasn't dead," Pakkun bitched as he wandered out the door.
They sat in heavy silence until Pakkun returned, Hayate in tow.
"Sandaime-sama!" he said excitedly. Then his face fell. "You're not stuck here, too, are you?"
Sandaime looked flatly at Kakashi. "Yes," he said blandly. "For the time being. Kakashi, if you'd give us a moment alone? Pakkun, why don't you stay."
Kakashi got up and headed out the door, waiting there, aware that the ANBU had just thrown up a sound barrier. Jerk.
Inside, the Hokage lifted Pakkun up onto the table and fished out a doggie biscuit. "Aren't you just the nicest pup in every dimension?" he asked, snapping his fingers until the ANBU guard fished out the better doggie treats. These ones were real meat.
Pakkun sniffed at the air and his tail started wagging full throttle. "You're looking very good for your age, sir!"
"If only I could trade you for my grandson," the Sandaime muttered, and gave Pakkun the meaty treats before rubbing his belly.
"Um, Hokage-sama? You wanted to see me?" Hayate asked.
"Yes, yes," Sandaime said, picking Pakkun up and cradling him upside down in one arm, alternately rubbing his belly and giving him treats with the other hand. "Look at these tiny paws!"
Pakkun wiggled them.
"Genzou, go see if Kakashi has any *actual* meat in this place. Do you prefer raw or cooked?" he asked Pakkun solicitously.
"Just lightly seared," he requested.
The ANBU didn't sigh, and headed to the fridge to find something.
Outside, a few minutes later, Kakashi sniffed the air and looked with alarm toward the house. Why was he smelling meat cooking? God, he hoped it wasn't his dog. He was just going to pretend it was the neighbors . . . What was he going to do otherwise? Report it to Tsunade? He couldn't report it to anybody! He *knew* what Iruka was doing was shady and sneaky and so not-right!
Inside, the Hokage gave Pakkun tiny bits of seared fillet minon that the ANBU had found thawing in the fridge. "Have they hurt you?" he asked, not actually bothering to look at Hayate.
"No, sir," Hayate said, watching, mildly disturbed that the Hokage was so very interested in the dog. "I was sleeping on Genma and Raidou's couch, but they cleared out the guest bedroom for me. They've been very nice."
"That's good." Sandaime looked up from under the brim of his hat. "Are you happy here?"
". . . The people are nice," Hayate said slowly. "I mean, if I'm stuck it's not a bad place to be stuck. I think they might instate me as a ninja here, and then I could do missions so I wouldn't be so bored. And they liked the other me, so . . ." He shrugged.
"Well, that's good," Sandaime said. "We'll look into getting you home."
"Aren't you stuck?" Hayate asked.
"Once you'd gone through and we knew what to expect, we were able to take precautions. Myself and Genzou are protected," Sandaime lied effortlessly. "If we're unable to find a way back for you, will you be all right here?"
"Yeah," Hayate said slowly. "Will you tell everyone I said . . . um . . ."
"You can write everyone letters," Sandaime said, "and I will deliver them myself." It wasn't entirely a lie. He would take the letters.
"Okay," Hayate said, nodding quickly.
"And we may yet find a way back. Now." He smiled. "I stole you from your dinner. Why don't you return, and allow me to speak with Kakashi." It wasn't really a request. Nothing the Sandaime ever said was truly a request.
"Sure. Thanks, Sandaime," Hayate said, standing. "Will I see you again?"
"In a few days, most certainly," the Hokage said. He smiled comfortingly, and when Hayate left he quickly set Pakkun on the floor, winking at him and handing him three more doggie treats to go. "Tell Kakashi to come back in, please," he asked Pakkun politely.
Pakkun waddled out the door.
"He fed you a steak!" Kakashi said, vaguely affronted. "I thought he cooked you!"
"Thank you for saving me. ASS," Pakkun grumbled. "I'm gonna eat some grass, puke, and go back in. He wants you." He waddled toward the lawn.
"Try to puke in the bushes!" Kakashi told him before going inside. "You know dogs aren't smart enough to know when to STOP eating, right? Even the really smart ones?"
Sandaime raised an arch eyebrow. "If you fed the poor thing properly, I wouldn't have to. Now. This information offered," he waved the note, "is certainly not enough. I'd like to speak with Iruka, if you honestly want to keep Hayate."
Honestly? He didn't. But keeping *a* Sandaime alive was slightly more interesting. "I'll go get him." Since Pakkun would certainly not be able to make the trip in his current bloated condition.
When Kakashi returned with Iruka, there were two little piles of Pakkun vomit outside the bushes, and the ANBU with Sandaime had figured out how to work the microwave to thaw the rest of the meat in the freezer. The Hokage was still feeding the pug.
Iruka had a heavy file under one arm. He'd gathered information before he'd made the trade offer, and sorted everything into two piles: one with the dates missing, which he was using as bait, and one with dates that he'd hand over once they'd made a deal. That file was still at the school.
The Hokage didn't look up from squeezing Pakkun's itty bitty paws when they entered, but he did look up a moment later. Iruka set the date-less file on the table. The Hokage reached out and pulled it closer, paging through slowly, rubbing Pakkun's belly while he read.
"If you change any one thing, everything after that will probably change, too," Iruka pointed out. "I included the timeline up to the day you die, so that you can see the overlapping elements between this world and yours."
"Hmm," Sandaime said, and continued reading. He glanced up when he reached the end. "You know if I leave my Chuunin here, and this proves to be some sort of hoax, I will be rather upset."
"You would be perfectly within your rights to be upset," Kakashi said, kicking Iruka's ankle. Hard. *Shut up, you idiot, you've fucked things up!* he wanted to say, but didn't. *Next weekend is Kakashi-weekend!*
Iruka wasn't certain what Kakashi was going to demand from him in return for all this bullshit, but he was certain it would involve that new skirt.
"And I'm sure that *your* Hokage would be interested to know about this trade, should this prove to be wrong," Sandaime added. Neither of their expressions changed--they were too good for that--but he knew whatever they were doing was far under the radar. "And should I ever find out that my Chuunin is being mistreated, I would be very, very upset." He glanced back down. "And I'd like a list of five people, dead in this world. Myself, Genzou here, and Hayate already make up three." He smiled. "I don't think two more is much to ask."
"Mizuki," Iruka offered. "Idomu," he added after a moment.
Sandaime nodded. "Good. I'm going to look over this information, and I'll return in two days. I'll expect a timetable with dates then."
"Understood. What time should we expect you?"
Sandaime gave the last of the steak to Pakkun, and said, "Some time after five. And I'll expect Hayate here." He rubbed Pakkun's belly. "And Pakkun, too."
"Neh neh neh," said Pakkun, waggling his paws. Sandaime squeezed a paw once more, then turned Pakkun over and set him on the floor. Where he promptly collapsed and sprawled on his side.
The Hokage stood. "Thank you for the tea," he said politely, and left through the bathroom mirror as regally as anyone possibly could when leaving through a bathroom mirror.
Pakkun barfed on the floor.
**
Hayate poked at his food without actually eating anything.
"What's wrong?" Raidou asked, rubbing his shoulder.
Hayate leaned over into Raidou's hip before Raidou moved away. "Sandaime came through, and he doesn't seem very hopeful that I'll be able to go home."
That meant that whatever Iruka was up to was working, Raidou thought. The conniving little bastard. "I'm sorry," Raidou said.
Hayate sighed. "You guys are all really nice and all," he said glumly, "but . . . well, all my friends here aren't my friends, or they're old--" he stopped and blinked up. "I mean, they *were* nineteen like me, not that you're old. You're more like an acquaintance in my world." He was pretty sure he'd swallowed his foot and was working his way past his ankle. Damn. He was *never* going to convince them to have sex with him at this rate.
Raidou ruffled his hair.
"Um. Yeah. Thanks." Hayate set it back to rights again. "Anyway--it's just not *home,* you know?"
"Yeah, I can understand that feeling."
Hayate poked at his food again. "At least Kakashi's students seem really nice. They're not *much* younger than me." He smiled at his plate. "And the guys are hot."
"Yeah, but the girl will eat your head off," Genma said, reaching out with his foot under the table and nudging Hayate gently in the shin.
Hayate grinned. "I guess you don't mean that in a good, fun sort of way."
"I don't actually know if they'd be open to a fourth or not," Raidou said. "You're gay, right?"
Hayate nodded.
"Then probably not, because you don't want Sakura to feel left out. It might make her grouchy."
"I could *improvise*," Hayate said. He eyed the two men. "I mean, so far there's nothing *better* available . . ." he waited hopefully.
"Sorry," Genma said flippantly, "we only sleep with other Special Jounin."
Hayate put his fork down and leaned across the table. "So, if I were a Special Jounin, you'd sleep with me?"
Raidou looked at Genma and took a deep mental breath. Genma ignored him and grinned. "Sure. Wait, wait--just so we're clear, what's Special Jounin in your world?"
"Like, a battlefield commendation," Hayate said.
"Oh, no, too easy," Raidou said. "Special Jounin's damn near ANBU."
"Damn," Hayate muttered, but his mind was already working. "Would you help me train?"
"Yeah, but you'd still have to pass the test here. So don't even worry about it unless you're gonna stay."
"What if I came back and passed the test and visited?" he asked craftily.
"Well, I doubt they'd let you take the test--okay, if you make ANBU in your world, that'll be close enough."
"Okay," Hayate said, grinning. He dug in and ate the rest of his dinner quite happily.
Later that night, after Hayate went to bed, Raidou punched Genma in the arm. "What the fuck did you just agree to?"
"Look, he's cute. It'll motivate him. He probably won't make it," Genma said. "He's nineteen and he's only Chuunin."
"And what'll you do if he does?" Raidou said.
"I'm gonna bang his brains out!" Genma laughed. "I'm a man of my word!"
**
Two days later, the Hokage sat in Kakashi and Iruka's kitchen once again across from Hayate. "We aren't going to be able to bring you back over," he told Hayate solemnly. "We may have another chance four years from now, but it may not be possible even then."
Hayate nodded, upset and trying not to show it. "Okay," he said softly. "Well, at least the people here are nice, right? And I wrote letters to everyone at home . . ."
"I'm sure they'll all appreciate that," Sandaime said, smiling in a grandfatherly way. "And this Kakashi is going to see that I get letters monthly from you, to make sure everything is all right."
Hayate felt a bit of relief at that, he had to admit. "All right. Monthly." He nodded solemnly.
"I want you to treat this as a long-term mission," Sandaime said seriously. "I want you to make a home for yourself here, and gather information should it ever become necessary."
Hayate nodded quickly.
"And I've taken the liberty of selling your belongings, the ones that we couldn't bring through the portal, and converting that into gold." He handed over a small bag of coins.
"Whoa," Hayate said eloquently. Then he frowned. "My swords?"
"Sold well. But--" Sandaime continued quickly, "you can buy new ones, I’m sure."
". . . Oh," Hayate said, pouting. "Right."
"Well, then." The Hokage stood, shaking out his robes and setting down a bloated Pakkun. "The letters?"
Hayate handed them over quickly, and the Hokage watched as the young man headed out the door. He could see Genma waiting outside, and that was good.
"Well, all done then," he said cheerfully. "I'll expect letters. And feed that pup more," he said to Kakashi, then headed into the bathroom, through the mirror, and handed the stack of letters to his ANBU guard. "Burn these. Tell everyone he's on an undercover mission to, uh, Swamp. Nobody likes Swamp."
Back in Kakashi's apartment, Pakkun grinned up at Kakashi. "You heard the man. Feed me better."
"If I wanted a disgusting little ball of lard as a summon," Kakashi said blandly, "I would've never signed a blood-oath for dogs. Your chubby little ass is going on a diet."
Pakkun whined and tried to escape, but with his belly dragging on the ground it was awfully hard to move. Kakashi picked him up.
"First, a treadmill!"
**
The next two weeks was spent, for Hayate, passing a battery of tests. First Genin and Chuunin--they wanted to make sure he was what he was--and a whole ton of psychological exams, physical check ups, and a solid week of sitting across from Ibiki and convincing him that he wanted to be a loyal Konoha shinobi, that he'd been a loyal Konoha shinobi for years already.
He had to pause when, on the sixth day, Ibiki put aside all his paperwork and told him in stark honesty, "Look. If you become one of our shinobi, you're accepting that you're not going to what you previously considered home, because you will *be* home. No one's going to trust a shinobi who doesn't consider this their home. If you would like to stay at Chuunin level, we can arrange for you to take short-term missions of low import, probably nothing higher than B rank--and that only if something's gone wrong. If you would like to continue the testing and be signed up for the spring trials for Jounin, then you're accepting that this is your home."
Hayate had to think about that. In fact, after he'd thought about it for a few minutes, he looked up and asked, "Can I go back to Genma's and, um, think about it?"
"I would prefer it if you did. We'll call this and tomorrow an off day, and I will see you the following morning."
Hayate was really rather quiet that night, and most of the next day he spent in the park, watching various Genin teams train and still thinking. By the following morning, when he went back to Ibiki, he took a deep breath and smiled weakly.
"I'm not going home," he said, hands flat on the table to keep them from fidgeting.
"No, you are home," Ibiki corrected.
Hayate chewed on his lip. "I'm not going to my *former* home, because I am home," he said after a minute. "And, as such, I'd like to continue with the exams. Because this is it." He smiled weakly.
Ibiki debated. He figured Hayate didn't yet think of this as home, but the teenager was obviously realizing he wasn't going back, and it was only a matter of time before he acclimated. "All right," Ibiki said. "We have to wait on a couple of tests for your blood work, and in a few days you'll have to come in for a chakra screening and a jutsu screening. Neither of these hurt but they're incredibly boring. I suggest you bring a book. In the meantime, I suggest you start training. If you would like assistance in that, and you can't find anyone on your own, I'll set you up with different teachers."
"Genma said he'd help me," Hayate said, seeming lighter now that he had everything decided. "And as soon as I make Special Jounin, I get laid!"
Ibiki just started to laugh. "Well, Genma's going to be going on missions, so when he's not in town to help you on your quest for--" Ibiki stopped. "For when he's not in town, you can tell me and I'll help set you up with someone to help you train."
**
Eight months later . . .
"I didn't think you could go from Chuunin to ANBU in eight months," one man whispered to another.
Hayate preened. Tonight, he was getting LAID! He staggered down the street, so tired from training and exams that he could barely stand up. But he was getting LAID!
**
Later that night . . .
Raidou brushed Hayate's hair back from his face as the young man snored on his chest. "Poor guy, barely made it to the couch."
"He looks so happy, though," Genma said, curling against Hayate's back.
Hayate roused just enough to say, "'m 'wake!" and then fell back asleep.
**
The next morning . . .
"So, how'd you like sleeping with us?" Genma asked as Hayate opened his eyes and scanned the room like a proper ANBU.
Hayate shot awake. "What?! No! That's not fair!"
Raidou slung an arm around his waist and offered him a cup of coffee.
Hayate took it, nearly whimpering, and gave Raidou his best puppy-dog eyes--the ones that always got him an EXTRA portion of dinner.
"No, we're not sleeping with you." Raidou paused and waited for the waterworks.
"But--but--I did the work!" He looked beseechingly at Genma. "Come *on*!"
They just looked at him blankly until he was almost in tears.
"I--I--I even did BETTER than Special Jounin!" he nearly begged. Except, of course, ANBU didn't beg. They just pouted, and felt like they were about to cry. He sniffled.
Raidou kissed his neck.
"That's not sleeping with me and it's not a good substitution!" Hayate yelled.
Raidou bit his earlobe.
Hayate started to yell something else, then stopped. Wait a minute. This was like, FOREPLAY. "Are you two shitting me about the not-sleeping thing?" he asked suspiciously.
"We're not sleeping with you today," Genma said, "or tonight, because you probably can't move that well. Stiff?"
". . . Parts of me could be," Hayate said hopefully.
"I mean your legs. Muscles. Not that muscle." Raidou sucked on his earlobe.
Hayate squirmed away from the hair that tickled his neck. "Um. Yeah, I guess." More than 'guess.' Now that Genma had pointed it out he wasn't sure he wanted to walk. Oh, sure, he could if they offered lots of sex, but a measly invasion wasn't going to get him moving.
"So let's give you a few days to recover from your monumental achievement," Genma said.
"And then we'll bang you senseless," Raidou purred in his ear.
Hayate nearly melted into a pile of goo. This was even better than the naked-photos album. So, so much better. Then he realized they'd left. Damn it!
. . . And he was too tired to even jerk off. Bastards!
******************
