JBMcDragon (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} jbmcdragon) wrote,@ 2006-10-26 16:25:00 |
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The Great Bathroom Mirror Escapades Vol 4
In Which Iruka Gets Jealous, and Pie is Baked. Also, Cherries.
Authors: JBMcDragon and MessyPeaches
Rating: R, for language
Summary: Did you not read the full title? Sheesh.
Takes place after TKM 1 and before the sequel to TKM, Former Lives.
Volume 4
Iruka used his key to get into Kakashi's apartment. He'd gotten home from his mission early and Kakashi's plant could probably use water, what with the Jounin gone and no one else allowed in.
Iruka walked through the wards over the door, feeling his skin tingle as they recognized him and let him through. Then he headed toward the shelf.
Only there was no plant.
He smiled ruefully. Looked like the plant had finally died. He turned to go and stopped. In most houses it was almost impossible to tell when one thing had moved, but in Kakashi's apartment, it tended to be obvious.
There was a plate on the sink.
Kakashi didn't leave plates on the sink.
Frowning, Iruka put the plate away, then wandered through and made sure everything else was normal.
It was.
Iruka left.
**
The next day he came back, his broom broken (on the head of a rather annoying student who kept trying to climb in the window), planning on borrowing Kakashi's broom.
The plant sat, looking fairly healthy, on the shelf.
Iruka stared.
Then, disturbed, he got the broom and left.
**
The next day he ran out of cream and went to Kakashi's to borrow some.
The plant was gone.
He decided to come back the next day.
**
Six days passed with no plant, and Iruka was starting to think he'd seen things that one day, and then . . .
Then he walked in and heard a noise in the bathroom. He paused, wondering if he should be concerned . . . but if Kakashi's wards had let it in, then it had to be all right. Things didn't just *happen* in Kakashi's apartment.
Except, apparently, with the plant. That was a different story.
A woman of average height with long black hair walked out, carrying Kakashi's plant.
Iruka stopped and stared at her.
She looked up, thought about waving, and decided she couldn't with the plant, so first she went and set it down on the shelf. "Hello," she said in the meantime.
"Hi," Iruka managed finally. "Who are you?"
"Shidehara Amiri. Pleased to meet you," she answered.
"Pleased to meet you, too," he said on a knee-jerk reflex. "Umino Iruk--" he glanced at the bathroom. "But you knew that, right?" he said slowly.
"Well, I haven't met *you* yet, but I knew you were *a* Iruka." She turned the plant so the leaves were facing the window.
"What are you doing here?" Iruka asked slowly.
"Well, I was supposed to water the plant but it just looked so damn sad that I had to take it back with me and nurse it to health. Seems to be doing better now, you think?"
Iruka glanced between her and the plant. She put an envelope beside the pot, and turned back to him. "It . . . does look better," Iruka said, brain still twisting. "Does Kakashi know you're here?"
"Yeah, he asked me to come over."
Iruka stared, knowing damn well he was looking like a goldfish but unable to stop. "He invited you *into his apartment?*" he asked in stunned amazement.
She just nodded.
"In here? In his apartment?" Iruka asked again, just for clarification.
"Yeah . . . I was paid in pie."
Iruka's heart fell. "He--he made you pie?" Kakashi only cooked for *him.* Not other people. Not unless it was a party and Iruka told him that it was polite to bring something, or they were camping . . . "No--he *bought* you pie," Iruka said almost hopefully.
"I don't know. It must have been very fresh; it was still warm when he gave it to me," Amiri said easily.
Iruka's heart fell as far as it could and started digging. "He . . . cooked for you?" he said quietly.
"He left a sandwich the other day. Are you the one who put the plate away? 'Cause I couldn’t quite figure out if there was a special method to the plates."
Iruka nodded wordlessly. "Yeah, uh, the little ones have to--well, it doesn't really matter. I mean, he'll take them all out and wash them again anyway." He waved a hand. "It's a Kakashi-thing."
"It's a your-Kakashi thing," Amiri corrected.
Iruka smiled slightly and scratched the back of his head. "Well. Yeah." He stood there, unsure what to do. Or say.
She was *in* Kakashi's *apartment.* Kakashi had made her *food.* Things were looking distinctly disturbing.
She stood there a second, decided that the atmosphere was definitely not in her favor, and started back toward the bathroom. "He's supposed to be back tomorrow, right?"
"Right," Iruka said, watching her go with some relief. "So . . . yeah."
"Have a nice day," Amiri called, vanishing into the mirror with a stack of letters from Kakashi to the other Kakashi's mom.
Iruka watched her go with a funny sense of . . . badness. He glanced back at the plant. The leaves were pointed toward the bathroom.
**
"Hey, Raidou?" Iruka asked, hovering in the man's apartment doorway. "That girl from the mirror--Amiri, right?"
"Yeah?" Raidou asked, trying to decide if needed to wear a clean shirt to take Genma out.
"What do you know about her?"
Raidou shrugged and decided he didn't. It was Genma, after all. Genma saw him in all states of filth. "She's nice. She's a sex therapist. And she has a garden . . . and she dates that version of Ibiki. He's not so crazy." He glanced around, fitting kunai into his hip holster and heading for the door.
"You're not wearing that, are you?" Iruka said, not moving out of the way.
"What? Why not?" Raidou asked, glancing down.
"There's ketchup on it, for one thing," Iruka said, pointing at the hem.
"That's blood," Raidou corrected. "I can't get it out."
Iruka refrained from cursing. "Go back inside and put something clean on."
"But--"
"Do it!"
Raidou slunk back in. "Okay, okay . . ."
"Is she happily dating that Ibiki?" Iruka asked, trying not to ogle as Raidou stripped down to the waist.
"I don't know how. It's Ibiki, after all. Should I put on clean pants, too?"
"Yes," Iruka said. Then didn't curse again and stared down at his feet as Raidou just began to get naked. "Underwear, too, if those aren't clean." But gods, he hoped they were. Or Raidou closed the door before changing further.
"Please, Iruka. I'm not a *slob*," Raidou snorted.
Iruka didn't comment. He cursed all unselfconscious Jounin with Jounin bodies. Damn them. He was happily dating a man who was letting strange women into his apartment, damn it!
Iruka looked up. Letting strange women--nooooo. Kakashi wasn't interested in women.
But Kakashi only cooked for Iruka. And only Iruka was allowed in the apartment. And--
Kakashi wasn't interested. It was a strange woman. A strange, *attractive* woman. Damn it.
**
Iruka wandered into Kakashi's apartment, and found Kakashi there reading a note. The plant was pressed up against the glass.
"Hey," Iruka said, trying to sound normal.
"Oh. Hi," Kakashi said, and smiled briefly at him. He looked over the note one more time, then folded it up and tucked it in the photo drawer.
Iruka nearly twitched. The only things that went in the photo drawer were Kakashi's two pictures that no one was allowed to see. And now That Note from That Woman was in the photo drawer. "What was that?" he asked casually.
"Oh, a note from Amiri."
Of course. "Oh? Who's she?"
Kakashi smiled brightly. "She takes care of my plant. I know you're busy, so . . ."
Yes. Busy. Iruka forced a smile. "That's nice. And you let her into your apartment?"
Kakashi just shrugged. "I don't think she'll do anything. I get a good feeling from her."
Iruka's stomach tied up in knots. "Oh? So she waters your plant?"
Kakashi nodded brightly. "And I made her pie." He smiled. "She helps me keep it alive. Did you know you're not supposed to pour bleach on plants?"
"Is *that* what you were doing to it?" Iruka yelped. "I thought it was just depressed!"
Kakashi ruffled up the back of his hair. "Well, plants urinate, you know. I was trying to clean the soil for it."
"The intention was good," Iruka said, wincing, "but the execution wasn't great . . . You're supposed to just rinse water through . . ."
"Yeah, that's what Amiri said," Kakashi responded happily, heading toward the little kitchen. "She knows a lot about plants."
Iruka glared at the plant.
All the leaves flattened out.
He stared.
"And she washed the dish, too. That was nice."
Iruka twitched.
The plant shivered.
"And she's a sex therapist!" Kakashi chirped happily. "Maybe you should talk to her."
Iruka tensed.
The plant practically whimpered.
"Kakashi, I think something's wrong with this plant," Iruka said slowly.
Kakashi walked back out from the kitchen.
The plant looked normal.
"Looks fine to me," Kakashi said, shrugging and walking away.
The leaves flattened.
"Stupid plant," Iruka muttered.
One leaf right in the middle of the plant flicked straight up, and even though there was no hand involved, and the leaf was not a finger, the gesture still seemed rude.
Iruka jumped. "You know," he called, "she doesn't have to come over. I can water your plant."
The leaves flattened again. He glared at it. It shivered.
Kakashi walked slowly from the kitchen. "Well . . . Iruka, don't take this the wrong way, but when you watch it, it dies. And when Amiri watches it, it lives." He smiled brightly. "So, see, that works better!"
Iruka glared. He hated Amiri. He hated the plant.
**
It was two weeks before Kakashi's next mission. Two weeks in which Iruka tried to convince himself that food didn't mean attraction, and that Kakashi had just suddenly become normal and let people in his apartment.
He didn't believe himself. So, the first day the Jounin was gone, Iruka camped out in the bathroom grading papers on the comfortable chair Kakashi had put in there. He was fairly certain the Jounin used it to watch porn on the mirror, but he tried not to ask.
At least he knew it was clean, no matter what it was used for.
He sat there and waited.
Around eleven at night, Amiri showed up. She was shedding large pads for the chest and shoulders into the other Iruka's bathtub, leaving flecks of ground-in dirt on the porcelain.
"I thought you were a medic," Iruka said, forgetting that she couldn't hear. Damn. She was an active ninja? Kakashi had a lot more respect for active ninja. He hated medics.
Damn damn damn.
She looked up and waved. She hesitated, then signed, "Can you give me a minute? I don't have anywhere else to change."
Iruka wanted to say no, but politeness overwhelmed him. He left and waited impatiently outside the door.
When it opened she stood there in a regular black pants and tank top, with really fluffy socks. The long hair was twisted up under a bandana.
Iruka stared at her, suddenly unsure what he wanted to say. Other than, "Hands off Kakashi, lady!" but he wasn't going to actually *say* that. Just think it really, really hard. "If you want," he said finally, "I could just take care of the plant. I'm by here anyway." And then she wouldn't have to come in. Or get food. Or ever see Kakashi again.
"Okay," Amiri said easily. She leaned back, grabbing the pile of letters for Kakashi. "If it's not too much of a bother for you."
He smiled. It felt strained.
"I've got double shifts this week, anyway," Amiri continued.
"Not at all," Iruka said. "It's fine. So, I should get going." He could only hope she'd leave, too.
"You should just take the plant with you," Amiri suggested with a shrug.
"Yeah. That makes sense," Iruka said, eyeing the plant. "Only, I don't think it would like that . . ." the plant freaked him out a little.
"I think it probably just needs time to warm up to you."
Iruka eyeballed it. "No . . . I think Kakashi did something to it. It's more than it needing time to warm up to me. Watch." He glared.
The plant shivered.
Amiri reached over and petted it. The leaves curled around her wrist.
Jealousy burned ever brighter. ". . .That doesn't mean anything," Iruka muttered. "It's just a plant."
"Yeah, but it senses what you're thinking about it. So think happy thoughts at it," Amiri said.
Iruka thought, 'die, stupid plant, die.'
It wilted.
"Whatever you're thinking now obviously isn't working."
Actually, Iruka thought it was working *quite* well. "Okay. I get it," he said, smiling. If he just *killed* the plant . . .
No. He wasn't going to be psychotic because his boyfriend was feeding someone else. People did these things.
Well-adjusted people.
Normal people.
NOT Kakashi.
"So, if you want to go . . ." Iruka said slowly. "I'm sure you have things to do."
Amiri knew a polite 'get out' when she heard it. "There should be boysenberry tarts in the fridge," she said, heading toward the mirror.
Damn it! Food, again!
He was going to throw them out. But they weren't his. Damn it! "If you want to take them," Iruka said grudgingly.
"Well, they're sort of payment for watching his plant, so if you're going to do it you can have them," she said.
"Great. Thanks," he said, relieved. She wasn't taking the food. That was a rejection--er, a good sign--right? Right.
She hopped back through the mirror. Iruka closed the door.
**
Kakashi trudged in from his latest mission, covered in slime and blood--mostly not his--and wandered toward the bathroom. There were letters, and another note from Amiri. He opened it tiredly, making a mental note that he was going to have to clean up the trail of dirt he was leaving as he walked, and read it.
Iruka had watched his plant.
He frowned and headed back out to the main room.
It was dead. *DEAD.* Kakashi dropped the letters and raced to his plant, picking it up and cradling it. It couldn't be dead. It really couldn't. It--it--it was the Fo--it was his plant! He ran to the bathroom and pounded on the mirror. This called for emergency actions.
He kept knocking. And kept knocking. And kept knocking. Half an hour later the other Iruka stuck his head in with a sign that read, "Dude. Shut. Up."
Kakashi pounded harder, leaving bloody red handprints on his side.
Iruka sighed, flipped the page and scribbled before lifting it up. "WHAT?"
"I need Amiri," he signed back. "Emergency."
"You didn't like, kill the other me, did you?" Iruka asked.
Kakashi shook his head rapidly and signed, "pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseple
"Fine, fine, fine!" Iruka yelled. "I'll go get her. I think she's working," he grumbled, turning and leaving.
Kakashi waited. And waited. Damn it, he could feel the chakra in his plant fading and it was going to die totally and--and--he had to do something. Amiri wasn't going to get there in time!
He gulped and formed seals for chakra ikou no jutsu, and felt his own energy rush out, into the plant. There. That should keep it . . . alive . . . for . . .
He sagged to the floor of the bathroom, nearly unconscious. No, wait, entirely unconscious. Damn.
**
Iruka was leaning on the counter, looking down at the unconscious other Kakashi, telling Amiri, "--and he was bloody and staggering and clutching that damn plant . . . plant looks better now, though."
Amiri went through the mirror in her medic clothes, not taking the time to change since the other Kakashi was on the floor, unconscious.
As soon as she hit the other side, the air felt familiar. She often worked in the jutsu misuse ward--and this felt *exactly* like that. She dropped down to the floor and got him stretched out properly. He wasn't actually hurt as bad as he looked; most of the blood seemed to be from somebody else, which was really a good sign. He had a cut above one eye, which was making his face look absolutely horrific, but it had already stopped bleeding so she didn't bother with it.
She brought her hands together and focused her chakra, feeling it tingle in her fingertips. She pressed her hands to his temples.
He flinched, and his eyes snapped open. He rolled to one side, up to his feet in an obviously defensive stance--and then realized who it was. He slouched and smiled. "Amiri!" Then the smile fell. "My plant is dying!"
She looked at it, where it was twitching back to life painfully on the counter. "I think you already fixed it. But it smells like bleach, so it probably needs new soil. And that's secondary. Are you all right? Did you hit your head when you feel over? Did you hit your head before you feel over? Did you hit your head before you decided to cast *that* jutsu on *this* plant?"
He smiled brightly and ruffled up the back of his hair. "Ah . . . no. But the plant needed it."
"Okay . . . you need to go to the hospital now. And get checked up by whatever your medics are."
He seemed to notice her attire for the first time. He took a step back and looked studiously nonchalant. "Ah . . . I'm fine." He beamed.
"No, you should, because that jutsu . . . you should be in a coma. You're probably lucky you're not. Is that why the plant has feelings?" she asked in suddenly realization.
"Ah . . . maybe?" He smiled again. "I've done it . . . a few times. I'm fine. I know how this works."
Eight leaves on the plant rose weakly.
Kakashi blinked at it. "Huh."
"Well, is it right? Did you put your chakra into it eight times?"
Kakashi rubbed his head. "Could have been . . . I lost count."
"Ooo-kay." Well, it hadn't killed him yet, and she knew his vitals were okay, and it wasn't like she could report him to anyone in this world. She'd just write his Iruka a note. They needed to talk.
**
Iruka hurried through Kakashi's empty apartment the next week, trying to pretend like he hadn't gotten Amiri's note.
How the plant had lived after he'd poured bleach into it, he'd never know.
He came around the edge of the bathroom door and froze. Damn. She was sitting *right there.* "Oh. Hi, Amiri," he said with only as much cheer as he needed for manners.
"You need to drag your boyfriend in for therapy," she said, leaning through the mirror enough that she could be heard.
It pushed her breasts together and up. He looked away. "Yeah, I know that," he said dryly.
"No, like, soon. And for a medical evaluation, too, if you can manage it. Have you ever heard of chakra ikou no jutsu?"
"Yeah, they use it to keep people alive long enough to get to medical help," Iruka said curiously.
"He's been casting it on the plant. Go ahead, go ask the plant how many times Kakashi's done it! It's like his little plant-child, it's got so much of his essence in it!"
Iruka stared at the plant. "That does make sense," he said slowly. "I thought it seemed . . . sentient."
"Seriously--plant! How many times have you been zapped?" Amiri called.
The plant held up eight leaves.
"That's . . . creepy," Iruka said.
"When he got back from his last mission," Amiri explained, "he found his plant halfway dead and apparently panicked, woke this Iruka up and Iruka went and got me when I got off my shift at the hospital, and I had to run all the way here and Kakashi was unconscious on the floor. I came through, woke him up, found out what he did to the plant, told him to go to his hospital but he wouldn't go in for that, I told him to get some sleep and wrote you a note."
Iruka frowned, not terribly concerned that Kakashi had refused medical help. Iruka had learned not to worry if the Jounin wasn't in the hospital. More importantly--she'd been working at the hospital? "They do sex therapy at your hospital?"
". . . Probably," Amiri said slowly.
"Isn't that what you do?" Iruka asked.
She rolled her eyes. "Let me guess who told you that . . ."
Iruka shrugged. "Raidou did spend two weeks over there."
"Yes, and I told him I was a sex and fertility expert."
Iruka snorted. "He doesn't do information gathering."
"Obviously! If he can't even figure out he's gay . . . how are they doing, anyway?"
Iruka shrugged, wanting to be pleased for them and torn by the desire to not like Amiri. "All right. They're figuring out the dating thing." He remembered Radiou's clothing issues and snorted.
"Well, that's good to know. I was concerned they'd killed each other somehow."
Iruka smiled slightly and shook his head. "They seem happier." Damn. Why was she so nice? No wonder Kakashi liked her.
AND she was a MEDIC. Worked at the hospital, and 'expert' wasn't 'sex therapist.'
"Does Kakashi know you're a doctor?" he asked slowly. Maybe if he knew, he wouldn't be interested.
"Well, the last time I came through I was still wearing my uniform. I'd assume he figured it out. He does do information gathering, right?"
Maybe Kakashi had lost interest. He *hated* medics. Hate-d. "Yeah," Iruka said slowly. "Have you talked to him since?"
"A couple of times. He kept showing me his plant."
Damn. Iruka wilted. "Oh," he said. He really didn't want to lose his boyfriend, after all this. He was rather attached. "So . . . you're dating Ibiki?" He asked slowly.
"Mm hmm."
"And you enjoy that?" Maybe Amiri wasn't interested.
She arched an eyebrow at him, wondering exactly how personal this guy was getting. "Which part?"
"The part where Ibiki's in it," Iruka said, thinking maybe she was a few kunai short of a holster.
She started laughing. "That part's fairly pleased! I'm happy."
He had to think about that. Then he turned bright pink. "Um. Oh. Well, that's good." He coughed.
"Awww, you blush like our Iruka!"
The blush got deeper. "Um. Great. So . . . you're not breaking up. Anytime soon."
"Not that I'm aware of," she said slowly. "Why, do you know something I don't?"
Iruka shook his head quickly. "Raidou just seemed . . . uncertain, is all. But he has issues with our Ibiki . . . bad blood there, so . . ."
"My Ibiki kinda liked creeping your Raidou out," Amiri said. "Mostly by just staring at him blankly and doing that thing he does, where he just looms up by you."
Iruka 'hurmphed.' "Yeah, that would freak Raidou out . . ." Well, it looked like she wasn't about to be making moves on Kakashi. Even if Kakashi seemed willing. He scowled at the floor.
Stupid Kakashi.
Amiri suspected she knew what his problem was. "You don't actually have anything to be jealous of, you know. Not as far as Kakashi's concerned anyway." You can be jealous of me for having a stable boyfriend, she thought.
"Of *course* I have something to be jealous of! He only cooks for ME and he only lets ME into his apartment and he's totally fucking neurotic about it and now YOU'RE here and he likes you EVEN THOUGH you're a medic!"
Amiri pulled a hard candy out of her pocket and handed it to him.
He took it, nonplussed. Butterscotch. He looked back up at her. "Huh?"
"Well, they always make me feel better."
Iruka shrugged, nodded, unwrapped it and popped it into his mouth. "It's not working," he said, tucking it into one cheek. But he sucked on it anyway.
"Isn't it a good sign that your neurotic to an absolutely fascinating degree boyfriend is letting people into his apartment? I mean, it's got to be better than writing letters to his mother that isn't actually his mother."
"But he doesn't *know* you! If he were letting Asuma or Genma in, yeah, great. But you're--you're--and he made you PIE!"
"Well, maybe it's that he doesn't know me. He doesn't have a counterpart for me."
Iruka just stared at the floor glumly. "That's possible, I suppose."
She scooted far enough through to pat him on the shoulder. "Do you want to go get drinks?"
He thought about it for a minute. "Yeah," he said finally.
"I'm going to go get booze. I'll be right back. We can go sit on the front porch or something."
Iruka nodded and sat down in the comfy chair to wait.
**
It took an hour--and three drinks--to actually get Iruka loosened up enough to talk.
"Well, as emotionally inbred as he is," Amiri said, carefully refilling Iruka's glass, "You should be happy he's making any sort of progress at all and not, you know, moving backwards."
"It's not that I'm unhappy that he's letting people in his apartment--it's that he's letting *attractive* people in his apartment and he's *cooking* for you! I knew we were unofficially dating because he started making me *lunches* and now he's making you *pie*! Everyone knows pie is food-code for--for--" he turned pink. "Sex!"
"According to Genma, pumpkin is food code for sex."
"He's wrong," Iruka said with a blasé wave of his hand. "It's pie." He eyed his glass, then poured more vodka into his orange juice.
"Pumpkin pie must be code for orgy," she said thoughtfully.
Iruka nodded.
Kakashi stopped on the rooftop, head cocked, listening. What *interesting* things you could hear when people didn't know you were there.
"Why don't you just tell him not to?" Amiri asked.
Iruka hesitated. A blush rose slowly up into his face. "Because . . . I'm the first person he's dated, right? What if he's decided it's time to move on? I don't want to know that . . ."
Kakashi laughed silently and leaned down to see if he could see them. He couldn't, not without being too obvious. He pulled out a reflective kunai and angled it.
Iruka looked so forlorn. It was really cute.
"I doubt that's what he's planning," Amiri said fairly confidently. At least she knew it wasn't going to be with her.
"It's just . . . wrong. He didn't even tell me you'd be watching the plant."
"Well, does he usually keep you very well informed?"
". . . No," Iruka said finally. "No, he doesn't tell me *anything* that he thinks isn't need-to-know." He thought about that, drank a little more, and glowered at his drink. He supposed *maybe* he was overreacting. "Fucking Jounin," he muttered.
"You know, this is the second time I've sat drinking with an Iruka who was yelling that."
Iruka grinned and eyed her. "Did it end well the last time?"
"He woke up in the bushes and I was in the drunk tank for the night."
Iruka laughed. "I'm pretty sure I'm not going to end up in the bushes." He grinned. "Genma wouldn't let me."
"I think Genma was part of the problem last time. I honestly can't remember why everything went to hell so fast." She could, but she wasn't saying it.
"Well," Iruka said, "I'm glad you're not hitting on my boyfriend."
Kakashi smiled, overly pleased with his jealous lover. Still, he had some things to get done. He headed off, happier than he'd felt in days.
Iruka, meanwhile, took another gulp of alcohol. He was about to say something when a familiar figure bounced up the community porch steps of the little apartment building.
"Hey, Iruka! And Amiri, right?" Genma chirped. "Got any more of that?" He plopped himself down between them, shoving Iruka over slightly. "Amiri, I was gonna give you a thank-you note and maybe a fruit basket, but since you're here I'll tell you in person. Raidou said you're the one who told him to tell me everything before he did it, and that's just *great*. I was on a mission, so he wrote letters. Oh, gods. Did he write letters. I spent nearly a week with a hard-on."
Iruka turned bright red and gulped his drink.
Genma, laughing, added some more vodka to the Chuunin's orange juice. "You have to read this," Genma said gleefully, waving a well-loved looking letter around. It was several pages, and very dog-eared. "Look--there's this WHOLE SECTION on blowjobs!"
"Like, positions for blowjobs, or how much he really wants one?" Amiri asked, curious. She poured herself another drink, but was careful to add orange juice.
"Like, *how*, exactly, he wants to suck my dick! And where! And *details* about his *tongue!*" Then he wilted a little. "But I got back from my mission yesterday and he'd already left on his . . . he'll be back tomorrow night, and I *so* need to buy strawberries before he gets back! And . . . teriyaki sauce . . ." he said, eyes going vacant. A smile started to spread across his face.
"Make sure you don't get any with any peppers in it," Amiri suggested. "That could be bad."
Genma winced. "Uh, yeah."
"Read the ingredients, don't just fling things into your basket in a pre-orgasmic haze."
Genma nodded. "Right. I also need yogurt. And honey." He grinned. "Have I mentioned that Raidou likes food? A lot? It's obvious. I should have just started spilling chocolate down my neck for the last yea--ohhh, chocolate sauce. That goes on the list." He whipped out a piece of paper and scrawled it down.
"Wait'll he starts trying to give you handjobs in restaurants," Amiri added.
"You think he will?" Genma asked, grinning madly. He chomped on his senbon.
"Stop!" Iruka said, laughing in embarrassment and hiding his head in his hands. "You're both perverts!"
"You should trrrrrrrryyyyyy iiiiiittttt," Genma sang. "It's *wonderful.* Kakashi would appreciate it." He grinned lecherously.
"I'm sure he would," Iruka muttered, drinking a lot more. "He's got enough porn, though."
"It's different when it's written by someone you care about!" Amiri declared.
"And when it's about you," Genma added. "We're gonna have sex," he sang, chair-dancing.
Amiri applauded. Genma bowed.
"Gods, you're even MORE hyper than usual," Iruka laughed, shaking his head.
"Sex!" Genma crowed. "And I haven't had any in like, *two months*! And--and--shit, hang on, I lost it--" he flipped through the pages quickly. "Oh, yeah," he said, grinning. "Listen, listen! 'And I have this great idea--you remember how you say 'pretty pretty please with a cherry on top' to get me to do something, and I do? Well, you need an actual cherry, and you just hide it somewhere and I want to find it! But be dressed, because then I can peel'--"
"Stop!" Iruka yelped.
"Oh, but it gets better!" Genma giggled. "He has this bit with his nose--nuzzling or something--and clothing--"
"No, nonononono. Just stop."
"You know, if you tied cherry stems together you could probably make a cock ring out of them," Amri suggested.
"Ooooh, good idea," Genma said. "I need cherries," he said, writing them down on his list.
Iruka laughed, shaking his head. "You're incorrigible."
"Isn't it great?" Genma said happily. "Oh, and I saw Kakashi lurking around a bit ago."
Iruka perked up. "You did?"
Genma snorted. He'd seen Kakashi on the roof, eavesdropping, but he wasn't suicidal enough to say that. "Yeah. Maybe you should read my letter to him."
Iruka went red. "Um, no thanks," he mumbled. "We'll manage."
"'I want to press you up against the wall,'" Genma read out loud, "'Then slide down and'--"
Iruka stood up. "Right. Thanks. Well, I'm going inside . . ."
Genma laughed. "Poor little prude."
Iruka flipped him off.
"Give me that," Amiri said, taking the letter.
Genma grinned and took her drink, kicking back on the porch happily.
Behind the building, Kakashi slipped in a window. His errands hadn't taken him *that* long, thank the gods. And it was a damn good thing, because wow.
Obviously, Iruka needed comforting for his jealousy! And he was tipsy. Iruka got touchy when he'd had something to drink. It was so, so perfect.
There was a thump from inside. Genma and Amiri both turned to look. The door locked.
There was a moment of silence while Amiri stared dumbly at the door before her brain revved back up. "Shit!" She scrambled awkwardly to her feet, pounded on the wood. "Hey! Hey! Let me *leave* first!"
Oddly enough, there was no response from inside.
**
Epilogue
It took a while, but everyone was very happy. Except the plant. Which began to look more and more like its owner every day. And bloomed roses. Even though it was a fern.
--End
Author's note: You should always wear clean everything on dates. No matter what gender you are, no matter what gender they are, just. Wear. Clean. Everything. And shower. Showering is also good.
In Which Iruka Gets Jealous, and Pie is Baked. Also, Cherries.
Authors: JBMcDragon and MessyPeaches
Rating: R, for language
Summary: Did you not read the full title? Sheesh.
Takes place after TKM 1 and before the sequel to TKM, Former Lives.
Volume 4
Iruka used his key to get into Kakashi's apartment. He'd gotten home from his mission early and Kakashi's plant could probably use water, what with the Jounin gone and no one else allowed in.
Iruka walked through the wards over the door, feeling his skin tingle as they recognized him and let him through. Then he headed toward the shelf.
Only there was no plant.
He smiled ruefully. Looked like the plant had finally died. He turned to go and stopped. In most houses it was almost impossible to tell when one thing had moved, but in Kakashi's apartment, it tended to be obvious.
There was a plate on the sink.
Kakashi didn't leave plates on the sink.
Frowning, Iruka put the plate away, then wandered through and made sure everything else was normal.
It was.
Iruka left.
**
The next day he came back, his broom broken (on the head of a rather annoying student who kept trying to climb in the window), planning on borrowing Kakashi's broom.
The plant sat, looking fairly healthy, on the shelf.
Iruka stared.
Then, disturbed, he got the broom and left.
**
The next day he ran out of cream and went to Kakashi's to borrow some.
The plant was gone.
He decided to come back the next day.
**
Six days passed with no plant, and Iruka was starting to think he'd seen things that one day, and then . . .
Then he walked in and heard a noise in the bathroom. He paused, wondering if he should be concerned . . . but if Kakashi's wards had let it in, then it had to be all right. Things didn't just *happen* in Kakashi's apartment.
Except, apparently, with the plant. That was a different story.
A woman of average height with long black hair walked out, carrying Kakashi's plant.
Iruka stopped and stared at her.
She looked up, thought about waving, and decided she couldn't with the plant, so first she went and set it down on the shelf. "Hello," she said in the meantime.
"Hi," Iruka managed finally. "Who are you?"
"Shidehara Amiri. Pleased to meet you," she answered.
"Pleased to meet you, too," he said on a knee-jerk reflex. "Umino Iruk--" he glanced at the bathroom. "But you knew that, right?" he said slowly.
"Well, I haven't met *you* yet, but I knew you were *a* Iruka." She turned the plant so the leaves were facing the window.
"What are you doing here?" Iruka asked slowly.
"Well, I was supposed to water the plant but it just looked so damn sad that I had to take it back with me and nurse it to health. Seems to be doing better now, you think?"
Iruka glanced between her and the plant. She put an envelope beside the pot, and turned back to him. "It . . . does look better," Iruka said, brain still twisting. "Does Kakashi know you're here?"
"Yeah, he asked me to come over."
Iruka stared, knowing damn well he was looking like a goldfish but unable to stop. "He invited you *into his apartment?*" he asked in stunned amazement.
She just nodded.
"In here? In his apartment?" Iruka asked again, just for clarification.
"Yeah . . . I was paid in pie."
Iruka's heart fell. "He--he made you pie?" Kakashi only cooked for *him.* Not other people. Not unless it was a party and Iruka told him that it was polite to bring something, or they were camping . . . "No--he *bought* you pie," Iruka said almost hopefully.
"I don't know. It must have been very fresh; it was still warm when he gave it to me," Amiri said easily.
Iruka's heart fell as far as it could and started digging. "He . . . cooked for you?" he said quietly.
"He left a sandwich the other day. Are you the one who put the plate away? 'Cause I couldn’t quite figure out if there was a special method to the plates."
Iruka nodded wordlessly. "Yeah, uh, the little ones have to--well, it doesn't really matter. I mean, he'll take them all out and wash them again anyway." He waved a hand. "It's a Kakashi-thing."
"It's a your-Kakashi thing," Amiri corrected.
Iruka smiled slightly and scratched the back of his head. "Well. Yeah." He stood there, unsure what to do. Or say.
She was *in* Kakashi's *apartment.* Kakashi had made her *food.* Things were looking distinctly disturbing.
She stood there a second, decided that the atmosphere was definitely not in her favor, and started back toward the bathroom. "He's supposed to be back tomorrow, right?"
"Right," Iruka said, watching her go with some relief. "So . . . yeah."
"Have a nice day," Amiri called, vanishing into the mirror with a stack of letters from Kakashi to the other Kakashi's mom.
Iruka watched her go with a funny sense of . . . badness. He glanced back at the plant. The leaves were pointed toward the bathroom.
**
"Hey, Raidou?" Iruka asked, hovering in the man's apartment doorway. "That girl from the mirror--Amiri, right?"
"Yeah?" Raidou asked, trying to decide if needed to wear a clean shirt to take Genma out.
"What do you know about her?"
Raidou shrugged and decided he didn't. It was Genma, after all. Genma saw him in all states of filth. "She's nice. She's a sex therapist. And she has a garden . . . and she dates that version of Ibiki. He's not so crazy." He glanced around, fitting kunai into his hip holster and heading for the door.
"You're not wearing that, are you?" Iruka said, not moving out of the way.
"What? Why not?" Raidou asked, glancing down.
"There's ketchup on it, for one thing," Iruka said, pointing at the hem.
"That's blood," Raidou corrected. "I can't get it out."
Iruka refrained from cursing. "Go back inside and put something clean on."
"But--"
"Do it!"
Raidou slunk back in. "Okay, okay . . ."
"Is she happily dating that Ibiki?" Iruka asked, trying not to ogle as Raidou stripped down to the waist.
"I don't know how. It's Ibiki, after all. Should I put on clean pants, too?"
"Yes," Iruka said. Then didn't curse again and stared down at his feet as Raidou just began to get naked. "Underwear, too, if those aren't clean." But gods, he hoped they were. Or Raidou closed the door before changing further.
"Please, Iruka. I'm not a *slob*," Raidou snorted.
Iruka didn't comment. He cursed all unselfconscious Jounin with Jounin bodies. Damn them. He was happily dating a man who was letting strange women into his apartment, damn it!
Iruka looked up. Letting strange women--nooooo. Kakashi wasn't interested in women.
But Kakashi only cooked for Iruka. And only Iruka was allowed in the apartment. And--
Kakashi wasn't interested. It was a strange woman. A strange, *attractive* woman. Damn it.
**
Iruka wandered into Kakashi's apartment, and found Kakashi there reading a note. The plant was pressed up against the glass.
"Hey," Iruka said, trying to sound normal.
"Oh. Hi," Kakashi said, and smiled briefly at him. He looked over the note one more time, then folded it up and tucked it in the photo drawer.
Iruka nearly twitched. The only things that went in the photo drawer were Kakashi's two pictures that no one was allowed to see. And now That Note from That Woman was in the photo drawer. "What was that?" he asked casually.
"Oh, a note from Amiri."
Of course. "Oh? Who's she?"
Kakashi smiled brightly. "She takes care of my plant. I know you're busy, so . . ."
Yes. Busy. Iruka forced a smile. "That's nice. And you let her into your apartment?"
Kakashi just shrugged. "I don't think she'll do anything. I get a good feeling from her."
Iruka's stomach tied up in knots. "Oh? So she waters your plant?"
Kakashi nodded brightly. "And I made her pie." He smiled. "She helps me keep it alive. Did you know you're not supposed to pour bleach on plants?"
"Is *that* what you were doing to it?" Iruka yelped. "I thought it was just depressed!"
Kakashi ruffled up the back of his hair. "Well, plants urinate, you know. I was trying to clean the soil for it."
"The intention was good," Iruka said, wincing, "but the execution wasn't great . . . You're supposed to just rinse water through . . ."
"Yeah, that's what Amiri said," Kakashi responded happily, heading toward the little kitchen. "She knows a lot about plants."
Iruka glared at the plant.
All the leaves flattened out.
He stared.
"And she washed the dish, too. That was nice."
Iruka twitched.
The plant shivered.
"And she's a sex therapist!" Kakashi chirped happily. "Maybe you should talk to her."
Iruka tensed.
The plant practically whimpered.
"Kakashi, I think something's wrong with this plant," Iruka said slowly.
Kakashi walked back out from the kitchen.
The plant looked normal.
"Looks fine to me," Kakashi said, shrugging and walking away.
The leaves flattened.
"Stupid plant," Iruka muttered.
One leaf right in the middle of the plant flicked straight up, and even though there was no hand involved, and the leaf was not a finger, the gesture still seemed rude.
Iruka jumped. "You know," he called, "she doesn't have to come over. I can water your plant."
The leaves flattened again. He glared at it. It shivered.
Kakashi walked slowly from the kitchen. "Well . . . Iruka, don't take this the wrong way, but when you watch it, it dies. And when Amiri watches it, it lives." He smiled brightly. "So, see, that works better!"
Iruka glared. He hated Amiri. He hated the plant.
**
It was two weeks before Kakashi's next mission. Two weeks in which Iruka tried to convince himself that food didn't mean attraction, and that Kakashi had just suddenly become normal and let people in his apartment.
He didn't believe himself. So, the first day the Jounin was gone, Iruka camped out in the bathroom grading papers on the comfortable chair Kakashi had put in there. He was fairly certain the Jounin used it to watch porn on the mirror, but he tried not to ask.
At least he knew it was clean, no matter what it was used for.
He sat there and waited.
Around eleven at night, Amiri showed up. She was shedding large pads for the chest and shoulders into the other Iruka's bathtub, leaving flecks of ground-in dirt on the porcelain.
"I thought you were a medic," Iruka said, forgetting that she couldn't hear. Damn. She was an active ninja? Kakashi had a lot more respect for active ninja. He hated medics.
Damn damn damn.
She looked up and waved. She hesitated, then signed, "Can you give me a minute? I don't have anywhere else to change."
Iruka wanted to say no, but politeness overwhelmed him. He left and waited impatiently outside the door.
When it opened she stood there in a regular black pants and tank top, with really fluffy socks. The long hair was twisted up under a bandana.
Iruka stared at her, suddenly unsure what he wanted to say. Other than, "Hands off Kakashi, lady!" but he wasn't going to actually *say* that. Just think it really, really hard. "If you want," he said finally, "I could just take care of the plant. I'm by here anyway." And then she wouldn't have to come in. Or get food. Or ever see Kakashi again.
"Okay," Amiri said easily. She leaned back, grabbing the pile of letters for Kakashi. "If it's not too much of a bother for you."
He smiled. It felt strained.
"I've got double shifts this week, anyway," Amiri continued.
"Not at all," Iruka said. "It's fine. So, I should get going." He could only hope she'd leave, too.
"You should just take the plant with you," Amiri suggested with a shrug.
"Yeah. That makes sense," Iruka said, eyeing the plant. "Only, I don't think it would like that . . ." the plant freaked him out a little.
"I think it probably just needs time to warm up to you."
Iruka eyeballed it. "No . . . I think Kakashi did something to it. It's more than it needing time to warm up to me. Watch." He glared.
The plant shivered.
Amiri reached over and petted it. The leaves curled around her wrist.
Jealousy burned ever brighter. ". . .That doesn't mean anything," Iruka muttered. "It's just a plant."
"Yeah, but it senses what you're thinking about it. So think happy thoughts at it," Amiri said.
Iruka thought, 'die, stupid plant, die.'
It wilted.
"Whatever you're thinking now obviously isn't working."
Actually, Iruka thought it was working *quite* well. "Okay. I get it," he said, smiling. If he just *killed* the plant . . .
No. He wasn't going to be psychotic because his boyfriend was feeding someone else. People did these things.
Well-adjusted people.
Normal people.
NOT Kakashi.
"So, if you want to go . . ." Iruka said slowly. "I'm sure you have things to do."
Amiri knew a polite 'get out' when she heard it. "There should be boysenberry tarts in the fridge," she said, heading toward the mirror.
Damn it! Food, again!
He was going to throw them out. But they weren't his. Damn it! "If you want to take them," Iruka said grudgingly.
"Well, they're sort of payment for watching his plant, so if you're going to do it you can have them," she said.
"Great. Thanks," he said, relieved. She wasn't taking the food. That was a rejection--er, a good sign--right? Right.
She hopped back through the mirror. Iruka closed the door.
**
Kakashi trudged in from his latest mission, covered in slime and blood--mostly not his--and wandered toward the bathroom. There were letters, and another note from Amiri. He opened it tiredly, making a mental note that he was going to have to clean up the trail of dirt he was leaving as he walked, and read it.
Iruka had watched his plant.
He frowned and headed back out to the main room.
It was dead. *DEAD.* Kakashi dropped the letters and raced to his plant, picking it up and cradling it. It couldn't be dead. It really couldn't. It--it--it was the Fo--it was his plant! He ran to the bathroom and pounded on the mirror. This called for emergency actions.
He kept knocking. And kept knocking. And kept knocking. Half an hour later the other Iruka stuck his head in with a sign that read, "Dude. Shut. Up."
Kakashi pounded harder, leaving bloody red handprints on his side.
Iruka sighed, flipped the page and scribbled before lifting it up. "WHAT?"
"I need Amiri," he signed back. "Emergency."
"You didn't like, kill the other me, did you?" Iruka asked.
Kakashi shook his head rapidly and signed, "pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseple
"Fine, fine, fine!" Iruka yelled. "I'll go get her. I think she's working," he grumbled, turning and leaving.
Kakashi waited. And waited. Damn it, he could feel the chakra in his plant fading and it was going to die totally and--and--he had to do something. Amiri wasn't going to get there in time!
He gulped and formed seals for chakra ikou no jutsu, and felt his own energy rush out, into the plant. There. That should keep it . . . alive . . . for . . .
He sagged to the floor of the bathroom, nearly unconscious. No, wait, entirely unconscious. Damn.
**
Iruka was leaning on the counter, looking down at the unconscious other Kakashi, telling Amiri, "--and he was bloody and staggering and clutching that damn plant . . . plant looks better now, though."
Amiri went through the mirror in her medic clothes, not taking the time to change since the other Kakashi was on the floor, unconscious.
As soon as she hit the other side, the air felt familiar. She often worked in the jutsu misuse ward--and this felt *exactly* like that. She dropped down to the floor and got him stretched out properly. He wasn't actually hurt as bad as he looked; most of the blood seemed to be from somebody else, which was really a good sign. He had a cut above one eye, which was making his face look absolutely horrific, but it had already stopped bleeding so she didn't bother with it.
She brought her hands together and focused her chakra, feeling it tingle in her fingertips. She pressed her hands to his temples.
He flinched, and his eyes snapped open. He rolled to one side, up to his feet in an obviously defensive stance--and then realized who it was. He slouched and smiled. "Amiri!" Then the smile fell. "My plant is dying!"
She looked at it, where it was twitching back to life painfully on the counter. "I think you already fixed it. But it smells like bleach, so it probably needs new soil. And that's secondary. Are you all right? Did you hit your head when you feel over? Did you hit your head before you feel over? Did you hit your head before you decided to cast *that* jutsu on *this* plant?"
He smiled brightly and ruffled up the back of his hair. "Ah . . . no. But the plant needed it."
"Okay . . . you need to go to the hospital now. And get checked up by whatever your medics are."
He seemed to notice her attire for the first time. He took a step back and looked studiously nonchalant. "Ah . . . I'm fine." He beamed.
"No, you should, because that jutsu . . . you should be in a coma. You're probably lucky you're not. Is that why the plant has feelings?" she asked in suddenly realization.
"Ah . . . maybe?" He smiled again. "I've done it . . . a few times. I'm fine. I know how this works."
Eight leaves on the plant rose weakly.
Kakashi blinked at it. "Huh."
"Well, is it right? Did you put your chakra into it eight times?"
Kakashi rubbed his head. "Could have been . . . I lost count."
"Ooo-kay." Well, it hadn't killed him yet, and she knew his vitals were okay, and it wasn't like she could report him to anyone in this world. She'd just write his Iruka a note. They needed to talk.
**
Iruka hurried through Kakashi's empty apartment the next week, trying to pretend like he hadn't gotten Amiri's note.
How the plant had lived after he'd poured bleach into it, he'd never know.
He came around the edge of the bathroom door and froze. Damn. She was sitting *right there.* "Oh. Hi, Amiri," he said with only as much cheer as he needed for manners.
"You need to drag your boyfriend in for therapy," she said, leaning through the mirror enough that she could be heard.
It pushed her breasts together and up. He looked away. "Yeah, I know that," he said dryly.
"No, like, soon. And for a medical evaluation, too, if you can manage it. Have you ever heard of chakra ikou no jutsu?"
"Yeah, they use it to keep people alive long enough to get to medical help," Iruka said curiously.
"He's been casting it on the plant. Go ahead, go ask the plant how many times Kakashi's done it! It's like his little plant-child, it's got so much of his essence in it!"
Iruka stared at the plant. "That does make sense," he said slowly. "I thought it seemed . . . sentient."
"Seriously--plant! How many times have you been zapped?" Amiri called.
The plant held up eight leaves.
"That's . . . creepy," Iruka said.
"When he got back from his last mission," Amiri explained, "he found his plant halfway dead and apparently panicked, woke this Iruka up and Iruka went and got me when I got off my shift at the hospital, and I had to run all the way here and Kakashi was unconscious on the floor. I came through, woke him up, found out what he did to the plant, told him to go to his hospital but he wouldn't go in for that, I told him to get some sleep and wrote you a note."
Iruka frowned, not terribly concerned that Kakashi had refused medical help. Iruka had learned not to worry if the Jounin wasn't in the hospital. More importantly--she'd been working at the hospital? "They do sex therapy at your hospital?"
". . . Probably," Amiri said slowly.
"Isn't that what you do?" Iruka asked.
She rolled her eyes. "Let me guess who told you that . . ."
Iruka shrugged. "Raidou did spend two weeks over there."
"Yes, and I told him I was a sex and fertility expert."
Iruka snorted. "He doesn't do information gathering."
"Obviously! If he can't even figure out he's gay . . . how are they doing, anyway?"
Iruka shrugged, wanting to be pleased for them and torn by the desire to not like Amiri. "All right. They're figuring out the dating thing." He remembered Radiou's clothing issues and snorted.
"Well, that's good to know. I was concerned they'd killed each other somehow."
Iruka smiled slightly and shook his head. "They seem happier." Damn. Why was she so nice? No wonder Kakashi liked her.
AND she was a MEDIC. Worked at the hospital, and 'expert' wasn't 'sex therapist.'
"Does Kakashi know you're a doctor?" he asked slowly. Maybe if he knew, he wouldn't be interested.
"Well, the last time I came through I was still wearing my uniform. I'd assume he figured it out. He does do information gathering, right?"
Maybe Kakashi had lost interest. He *hated* medics. Hate-d. "Yeah," Iruka said slowly. "Have you talked to him since?"
"A couple of times. He kept showing me his plant."
Damn. Iruka wilted. "Oh," he said. He really didn't want to lose his boyfriend, after all this. He was rather attached. "So . . . you're dating Ibiki?" He asked slowly.
"Mm hmm."
"And you enjoy that?" Maybe Amiri wasn't interested.
She arched an eyebrow at him, wondering exactly how personal this guy was getting. "Which part?"
"The part where Ibiki's in it," Iruka said, thinking maybe she was a few kunai short of a holster.
She started laughing. "That part's fairly pleased! I'm happy."
He had to think about that. Then he turned bright pink. "Um. Oh. Well, that's good." He coughed.
"Awww, you blush like our Iruka!"
The blush got deeper. "Um. Great. So . . . you're not breaking up. Anytime soon."
"Not that I'm aware of," she said slowly. "Why, do you know something I don't?"
Iruka shook his head quickly. "Raidou just seemed . . . uncertain, is all. But he has issues with our Ibiki . . . bad blood there, so . . ."
"My Ibiki kinda liked creeping your Raidou out," Amiri said. "Mostly by just staring at him blankly and doing that thing he does, where he just looms up by you."
Iruka 'hurmphed.' "Yeah, that would freak Raidou out . . ." Well, it looked like she wasn't about to be making moves on Kakashi. Even if Kakashi seemed willing. He scowled at the floor.
Stupid Kakashi.
Amiri suspected she knew what his problem was. "You don't actually have anything to be jealous of, you know. Not as far as Kakashi's concerned anyway." You can be jealous of me for having a stable boyfriend, she thought.
"Of *course* I have something to be jealous of! He only cooks for ME and he only lets ME into his apartment and he's totally fucking neurotic about it and now YOU'RE here and he likes you EVEN THOUGH you're a medic!"
Amiri pulled a hard candy out of her pocket and handed it to him.
He took it, nonplussed. Butterscotch. He looked back up at her. "Huh?"
"Well, they always make me feel better."
Iruka shrugged, nodded, unwrapped it and popped it into his mouth. "It's not working," he said, tucking it into one cheek. But he sucked on it anyway.
"Isn't it a good sign that your neurotic to an absolutely fascinating degree boyfriend is letting people into his apartment? I mean, it's got to be better than writing letters to his mother that isn't actually his mother."
"But he doesn't *know* you! If he were letting Asuma or Genma in, yeah, great. But you're--you're--and he made you PIE!"
"Well, maybe it's that he doesn't know me. He doesn't have a counterpart for me."
Iruka just stared at the floor glumly. "That's possible, I suppose."
She scooted far enough through to pat him on the shoulder. "Do you want to go get drinks?"
He thought about it for a minute. "Yeah," he said finally.
"I'm going to go get booze. I'll be right back. We can go sit on the front porch or something."
Iruka nodded and sat down in the comfy chair to wait.
**
It took an hour--and three drinks--to actually get Iruka loosened up enough to talk.
"Well, as emotionally inbred as he is," Amiri said, carefully refilling Iruka's glass, "You should be happy he's making any sort of progress at all and not, you know, moving backwards."
"It's not that I'm unhappy that he's letting people in his apartment--it's that he's letting *attractive* people in his apartment and he's *cooking* for you! I knew we were unofficially dating because he started making me *lunches* and now he's making you *pie*! Everyone knows pie is food-code for--for--" he turned pink. "Sex!"
"According to Genma, pumpkin is food code for sex."
"He's wrong," Iruka said with a blasé wave of his hand. "It's pie." He eyed his glass, then poured more vodka into his orange juice.
"Pumpkin pie must be code for orgy," she said thoughtfully.
Iruka nodded.
Kakashi stopped on the rooftop, head cocked, listening. What *interesting* things you could hear when people didn't know you were there.
"Why don't you just tell him not to?" Amiri asked.
Iruka hesitated. A blush rose slowly up into his face. "Because . . . I'm the first person he's dated, right? What if he's decided it's time to move on? I don't want to know that . . ."
Kakashi laughed silently and leaned down to see if he could see them. He couldn't, not without being too obvious. He pulled out a reflective kunai and angled it.
Iruka looked so forlorn. It was really cute.
"I doubt that's what he's planning," Amiri said fairly confidently. At least she knew it wasn't going to be with her.
"It's just . . . wrong. He didn't even tell me you'd be watching the plant."
"Well, does he usually keep you very well informed?"
". . . No," Iruka said finally. "No, he doesn't tell me *anything* that he thinks isn't need-to-know." He thought about that, drank a little more, and glowered at his drink. He supposed *maybe* he was overreacting. "Fucking Jounin," he muttered.
"You know, this is the second time I've sat drinking with an Iruka who was yelling that."
Iruka grinned and eyed her. "Did it end well the last time?"
"He woke up in the bushes and I was in the drunk tank for the night."
Iruka laughed. "I'm pretty sure I'm not going to end up in the bushes." He grinned. "Genma wouldn't let me."
"I think Genma was part of the problem last time. I honestly can't remember why everything went to hell so fast." She could, but she wasn't saying it.
"Well," Iruka said, "I'm glad you're not hitting on my boyfriend."
Kakashi smiled, overly pleased with his jealous lover. Still, he had some things to get done. He headed off, happier than he'd felt in days.
Iruka, meanwhile, took another gulp of alcohol. He was about to say something when a familiar figure bounced up the community porch steps of the little apartment building.
"Hey, Iruka! And Amiri, right?" Genma chirped. "Got any more of that?" He plopped himself down between them, shoving Iruka over slightly. "Amiri, I was gonna give you a thank-you note and maybe a fruit basket, but since you're here I'll tell you in person. Raidou said you're the one who told him to tell me everything before he did it, and that's just *great*. I was on a mission, so he wrote letters. Oh, gods. Did he write letters. I spent nearly a week with a hard-on."
Iruka turned bright red and gulped his drink.
Genma, laughing, added some more vodka to the Chuunin's orange juice. "You have to read this," Genma said gleefully, waving a well-loved looking letter around. It was several pages, and very dog-eared. "Look--there's this WHOLE SECTION on blowjobs!"
"Like, positions for blowjobs, or how much he really wants one?" Amiri asked, curious. She poured herself another drink, but was careful to add orange juice.
"Like, *how*, exactly, he wants to suck my dick! And where! And *details* about his *tongue!*" Then he wilted a little. "But I got back from my mission yesterday and he'd already left on his . . . he'll be back tomorrow night, and I *so* need to buy strawberries before he gets back! And . . . teriyaki sauce . . ." he said, eyes going vacant. A smile started to spread across his face.
"Make sure you don't get any with any peppers in it," Amiri suggested. "That could be bad."
Genma winced. "Uh, yeah."
"Read the ingredients, don't just fling things into your basket in a pre-orgasmic haze."
Genma nodded. "Right. I also need yogurt. And honey." He grinned. "Have I mentioned that Raidou likes food? A lot? It's obvious. I should have just started spilling chocolate down my neck for the last yea--ohhh, chocolate sauce. That goes on the list." He whipped out a piece of paper and scrawled it down.
"Wait'll he starts trying to give you handjobs in restaurants," Amiri added.
"You think he will?" Genma asked, grinning madly. He chomped on his senbon.
"Stop!" Iruka said, laughing in embarrassment and hiding his head in his hands. "You're both perverts!"
"You should trrrrrrrryyyyyy iiiiiittttt," Genma sang. "It's *wonderful.* Kakashi would appreciate it." He grinned lecherously.
"I'm sure he would," Iruka muttered, drinking a lot more. "He's got enough porn, though."
"It's different when it's written by someone you care about!" Amiri declared.
"And when it's about you," Genma added. "We're gonna have sex," he sang, chair-dancing.
Amiri applauded. Genma bowed.
"Gods, you're even MORE hyper than usual," Iruka laughed, shaking his head.
"Sex!" Genma crowed. "And I haven't had any in like, *two months*! And--and--shit, hang on, I lost it--" he flipped through the pages quickly. "Oh, yeah," he said, grinning. "Listen, listen! 'And I have this great idea--you remember how you say 'pretty pretty please with a cherry on top' to get me to do something, and I do? Well, you need an actual cherry, and you just hide it somewhere and I want to find it! But be dressed, because then I can peel'--"
"Stop!" Iruka yelped.
"Oh, but it gets better!" Genma giggled. "He has this bit with his nose--nuzzling or something--and clothing--"
"No, nonononono. Just stop."
"You know, if you tied cherry stems together you could probably make a cock ring out of them," Amri suggested.
"Ooooh, good idea," Genma said. "I need cherries," he said, writing them down on his list.
Iruka laughed, shaking his head. "You're incorrigible."
"Isn't it great?" Genma said happily. "Oh, and I saw Kakashi lurking around a bit ago."
Iruka perked up. "You did?"
Genma snorted. He'd seen Kakashi on the roof, eavesdropping, but he wasn't suicidal enough to say that. "Yeah. Maybe you should read my letter to him."
Iruka went red. "Um, no thanks," he mumbled. "We'll manage."
"'I want to press you up against the wall,'" Genma read out loud, "'Then slide down and'--"
Iruka stood up. "Right. Thanks. Well, I'm going inside . . ."
Genma laughed. "Poor little prude."
Iruka flipped him off.
"Give me that," Amiri said, taking the letter.
Genma grinned and took her drink, kicking back on the porch happily.
Behind the building, Kakashi slipped in a window. His errands hadn't taken him *that* long, thank the gods. And it was a damn good thing, because wow.
Obviously, Iruka needed comforting for his jealousy! And he was tipsy. Iruka got touchy when he'd had something to drink. It was so, so perfect.
There was a thump from inside. Genma and Amiri both turned to look. The door locked.
There was a moment of silence while Amiri stared dumbly at the door before her brain revved back up. "Shit!" She scrambled awkwardly to her feet, pounded on the wood. "Hey! Hey! Let me *leave* first!"
Oddly enough, there was no response from inside.
**
Epilogue
It took a while, but everyone was very happy. Except the plant. Which began to look more and more like its owner every day. And bloomed roses. Even though it was a fern.
--End
Author's note: You should always wear clean everything on dates. No matter what gender you are, no matter what gender they are, just. Wear. Clean. Everything. And shower. Showering is also good.
