The TKM/Side Effects story! :D



Author's notes: . . . we were going to write something light and fluffy. This is still MOSTLY light and fluffy . . .

Okay, the universes we're playing with here are from messypeaches' Side Effects universe (taking place after the sequel to SE) and JBMcDragon's The Kakashi Mission universe (taking place after TKM). If you're not familiar with both . . . just go with it. ;) For those not familiar with the SE sequel . . . since it hasn't been written yet . . . Iruka gets rather lost in the woods and ends up with pet skunks. Yeeeah. That's all you get.

This series--yeah, yeah, it's become a series--does NOT officially happen. So, for instance, when the TKM sequel is (eventually) written, none of this will have happened. Same for SE stories. Got it? Excellent. :)

Rated R for talk of sex, swearing, and mention of *coughs* toys. Now on with the story! :D

--JB and Momo

The Great Bathroom Mirror Escapades
Volume 1: In Which Kakashi is an Ass, and Kakashi Does the Right Thing
By JBMcDragon and MessyPeaches

Morning was never a good time. It was a given that mornings were bad times, simply because they were mornings. The world was that way.

Iruka cracked an eyelid and peered around Kakashi's apartment. He'd meant to get there early, knowing Kakashi'd be home from his mission that day. He'd had every intention of cleaning the place.

Then he'd fallen asleep. It wasn't his fault, really. He blamed the rugrats in his classes. Morning had snuck up on him.

When the sunlight didn't go away, he grudgingly opened both eyes.

And noticed the apartment seemed to be a lot dirtier than usual.

If Genma was pulling shit again, he was going to *kill* the man.

In fact, it was *a lot* dirtier. If it was possible to have a sterile space, Kakashi's apartment was it. With Iruka in and out--watering the one and only plant--it was slightly dirtier . . . but not this.

Annoyance building, he sat up.

There were *things* on the walls, first off. A Night County band poster, and clothes on the floor. Three little bowls sat in one corner, and a litter box in another--it smelled like it needed cleaning. Iruka stared at them.

They smelled. That in itself was odd--that ANYTHING would smell in Kakashi's apartment.

This looked like Genma's junk. Oh yes, he was going to KILL the man. After he made him help clean up.

The door opened and Iruka jumped, head snapping around. Kakashi walked in, three little skunks running happily around his feet.

"Hi, sexy. Why are these things back? I thought you pawned them off on someone."

Iruka stared. Kakashi hadn't blinked at the mess and--and there were THREE SKUNKS running around his feet. "You--you're home!" He stood, prepared to explain away the mess (as Genma was an ass).

"I've been home," Kakashi said, shrugging and tossing a small paper bag onto the counter. "Swung by the store, bought you a present."

"You've--when? What?" His eyes were drawn toward the bag of their own will. A present? Off a mission? All Iruka could think of, sarcastically, was that it might be a finger.

"This morning. Before you woke up."

Iruka stared. "You got home this morning? Have you slept?"

Kakashi gave him a strange look. "Um. You feel all right? Yeah, I got home yesterday. But I got you the present this morning, open it and see if you think it'll fit," Kakashi said, the last words coming quickly. "And tell me if the feathers are too much."

"Yesterday?" Iruka asked again, feeling thoroughly confused. He glanced over, checking Kakashi out. There didn't seem to be any injuries, so he hadn't likely spent the night in the hospital . . . He wandered over to the counter and opened the bag.

A rounded conical object--vaguely like a small top--with a flared base decorated with perky feathers sat inside. He pulled it out and looked at it curiously. "What is this?"

Kakashi slunk up behind him and nibbled on his ear. "Well, after we destroyed the butter last night and wasted those two carrots, I thought it might be good to get something actually meant for that," he said silkily. Iruka shivered at breath across his neck, and looked curiously back.

"Last night? Meant for--Kakashi, *what* are you talking about?"

Kakashi stopped and smiled, looking vaguely worried. "Okay . . . it wasn't . . . it was good, but it shouldn't've been good enough to cause brain damage. 'Ruka, are you okay?" He put a hand to Iruka's forehead, looking at him intently. "Are you all right? You're acting kind of strange . . ."

Iruka batted the hand away with irritation. "'Ruka'?" he snorted. "And I'm fine. Are you? Where were you last night? You weren't *here*. Did you end up at the hospital after your mission?" He stepped away, glancing down again over Kakashi's body. "You *look* okay . . . "

Kakashi caught his face and kept looking at him inscrutably. "Did you hit your head last night?"

Iruka yanked back again, annoyed. "No. What are you *talk*--Kakashi, you're worrying me. Are you okay? Something go wrong?" He reached up, flattening a hand against the other man's cheek. No fever. "You're not wearing your mask." A flare of alarm tightened his stomach. Kakashi almost NEVER took off his mask.

"I'm wearing it. It's just around my neck. Now look at me--are your eyes focused? Can you follow my finger?" Kakashi waved his hand back and forth slowly.

Options flew through Iruka's mind and he stood there, unsure what to say next.

"Iruka, put the butt-plug down and talk to me."

Iruka stared uncomprehendingly. Then light dawned. He nearly screamed and threw the top-looking thing out the window, wiping his hand off on his pajama bottoms.

"What the hell is up with that? It's not like I used it first!" Kakashi said, watching the arc.

"*Butt-plug*? You went on a mission and brought me a *butt-plug*? Kakashi!" Iruka bellowed. "What is WRONG with you? Where *was* this mission? Don't tell me, I'm not sure I want to know--! And--and--" Something was really wrong.

"What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with you?! Christ, if you don't want it just say so, I saved the receipt, and the mission was a shit mission--I told you exactly where it was! 'Kay, you know what? Something--something's wrong with you. We're going to the hospital now."

Iruka yanked back again, sliding away along the counter. Something *was* wrong, and--well, maybe the hospital was a good idea, but he sure as hell wasn't the one who needed to go--and he wasn't going to let Kakashi check him in in the man's current state!

When the Jounin took a step toward him, Iruka leapt for the window. It wasn't far; a story down, he tucked and rolled, feeling his shoulder bruise. A bruise would heal. He had to get *away* and get help, if Sharingan Kakashi had lost his mind.

**

Iruka stretched and yawned, buried his face in the pillow. Ah, days without school were nice, it was probably around noon. Noon was nice, noon was a good time of day, much better than mornings. He stretched out again and found to his annoyance that his hands could go off the sides. How very odd, he must have grown. The sheer stupid of that thought made him wake up--most of the way. So he sat up and scratched himself and looked around.

Wow. The walls were really fucking boring. Where was his Sex Drum poster? Damn it, that thing'd been autographed. Oh, well, at least the sheets felt nice. And it *was* his apartment. He looked around and could see the right things out the window. He stood up and stretched and felt delightfully sore in certain areas that made him smile. Damn, that'd been good.

Hm. The apartment was clean. That was kind of nice.

A little creepy. He looked around and realized that the skunk's food dishes were gone, and frowned slightly. Huh. So Kakashi was having one of Those days. Greeeat. Oh, fine, he'd just cut holes in all Kakashi's underwear again. He stretched and went to the kitchen, opening the fridge and looking for the creamer. It was on the top shelf with all the other dairy products. In a row.

Okay, this had just become a two-man prank. Fucking Genma.

The coffee machine seemed to be gone, too. That was annoying, so he drank some milk out of the carton instead.

The door opened, and Kakashi walked in wearing his uniform, looking rather bedraggled. The single eye wandered over Iruka's very naked form, and his eyebrow rose.

Then it dropped. "Are you drinking *out of the carton?*"

Iruka held out the carton. "Yeah. The coffee maker's gone. Want some?"

Kakashi walked slowly into the room. "I don't own a coffee maker. Uh, you can just throw that out when you're done."

"Why? It's still full." Iruka stuck it back in on a lower shelf where there was more space anyway.

Kakashi was in the kitchen in an instant. The milk was out of the fridge even before the door was closed, and chucked out the window. Something thunked as it hit the dumpster below.

". . . I would have put that on cereal or something." Iruka leaned out the window. "Good shot."

He could feel Kakashi's eyes on the back of his neck.

"Ah . . . yeah," the Jounin said from behind him. The fridge closed. "I'm just going to take a shower," Kakashi said slowly, almost warily. He started for the doorway, then paused. "Don't drink anything else out of the containers. Please."

Iruka nodded. All right, that was new, he thought, confused. Whatever. Kakashi was allowed to be weird. "You should hurry."

Kakashi stopped, plucking something black off a strand of hair that had fallen in his face. "What?"

"Once you're doing getting swamp shit out of your hair, you should hurry. Or I'll start without you."

That eyebrow rose again. "Start . . . ?" The single visible eye drifted, apparently realizing--again--that Iruka was naked. His whole demeanor perked up. "Really?"

"Yes, but shower first, you smell weird."

Kakashi nodded quickly and vanished. Fifteen minutes later, he reappeared shirtless, mask on.

Iruka started laughing. "Oh, man, I haven't seen you pull that shit since Genma's party!"

Kakashi looked up. "What? Oh. Right." With a frown, he tugged the mask off again, glancing toward the door and all the windows first.

"Brat," Iruka said, fairly affectionately.

Kakashi looked at him again, and once more the eyebrow went up. "I'm sorry?" he laughed.

"That's all right, you're my brat," Iruka said, stepping forward and sliding his arms around Kakashi's shoulders. "What the hell did your team do to you? Oh well, the smell is gone."

Kakashi pulled back slightly, looking vaguely surprised. "Ah . . . team? It was just me. You're feeling . . . awfully good."

"Don't tell me they actually blamed you for the crappy swamp mission. Knew you were going to go training this morning, but . . ." Iruka started to nuzzle.

Kakashi stepped back, hands on Iruka's shoulders. "Wait--training? Who blamed me--for what? No one's blaming me for anything, and I haven't been near a swamp for weeks." Both eyes stared at Iruka closely, one warm silver and the other blood red.

Iruka's hands slid down Kakahsi's chest and settled in his waistband. "Are you okay?"

Strong hands wrapped around Iruka's wrist uncomfortably tight. "I am." All the warmth was gone. "Tell me what you're talking about." With his free hand, he tugged the mask back up.

"Okay, you first. What the fuck is wrong with you? You came back with your mission yesterday. We celebrated. It's why I slept in. I don't know where you went while I was asleep, but this is the extent of my knowledge at the moment. Let go of my hands and what the fuck is up with your mask?"

The grip around his wrist tightened. Mismatched eyes went steel-hard. "I just got back from my mission fifteen minutes ago. I don't know what kind of henge this is, but it's not funny. Where's Iruka?" The grip tightened again.

"You didn't get back fifteen minutes ago, I had sex with you last night. Let go of my wrist." Oh god, he hoped it had been Kakashi. It had certainly fucked like Kakashi.

The eyes narrowed. "You need a better informant. Who are you, and where is Iruka?"

Iruka weighed his options. On one hand, he was screwed. On the other hand, he was screwed. On the *other* hand, this had better not had be some weird fucking game. "Buttercup?" That was the safeword they'd used last time.

"You're Buttercup?"

Fuck. "No, buttercup's the safeword. Or it was last time. I thought we decided this kinky S&M shit wasn't our thing? . . . Except for the Naughty Schoolteacher Voice, but uh . . ."

Kakashi didn't respond for a long moment. He blinked slowly, then shook his head a fraction. "I give you bonus points for a creative story," he said, voice painfully dry. He started to pull Iruka toward the closet, opened it with his free hand, and yanked out a length of rope. "Now. Talk."

"Hey--no!" Iruka tried to break the hold automatically. It failed. He tried again for the hell of it. "Kakashi--!" Panic was quickly rising. Oh god, Kakashi'd finally snapped. He'd snapped! He'd snapped over a fucking week and a half mission in Podunk land. Well, they said it was the little things. Iruka started to gather chakra, preparing to boost his vocal chords--

The Sharingan twisted and whirled, and for an instant Kakashi released him to form seals. He snapped off a phrase, and Iruka could feel the chakra rise in the room. He sucked in a breath of air and forced all the energy he could into his diaphragm, voice and throat. The only thing he could think to yell was "Breaker, breaker!" because Kakashi was losing his mind. It was the code-word for ninja sports when someone was suffering a flashback on the field. Hopefully someone within hearing range would know what he was screaming about.

As the words left his mouth, Kakashi jabbed him in the gut. It was a sucker punch of the lowest order, and apparently the Jounin didn't care. Rope looped around his wrists and yanked tight.

"Mother fucking son of a bitch!" Iruka wheezed.

"Shut up, and you might live," a deadly voice purred in his ear. The ozone tasted like chakra again, and from the corner of his eye he saw a clone henge into him and go out the door. Doubtlessly heading someone off.

"The fuck I will!" Iruka yelled.

"Okay," Kakashi said pleasantly. "You won't live."

"Oh god, I don't want to turn out like Genma!"

Confusion crossed the Copy Ninja's face. Then he heaved Iruka up, and tossed him into the only kitchen chair.

**

Iruka bolted down the alley, turned a corner, and saw a savior. "Genma!" he yelled, and raced toward the other man. "Genma, I need help."

"Do you need a . . . shirt, or something? Where are your shoes?" Genma said, shifting his groceries.

Iruka glanced down at himself--wearing only blue pajama bottoms with little fish swimming over them--and felt his face color. He ignored it. "That doesn't matter--look, I was sleeping, and Kakashi came home and there's something wrong with him," he babbled.

"Okay. Why didn't you come tell me last night when he got back?" Genma asked slowly.

Iruka stared. "No--no he didn't get back last night. He just got back--just *now.* And something's wrong."

"He got back last night," Genma began hesitantly. "I saw him. We had a drink." Genma started to sound concerned. "Are you okay, Iruka?"

Iruka stepped back warily. Gods, had everyone lost their mind? A jutsu, maybe. "He didn't--damn it! Genma, he's remembering things that didn't happen and--and--he didn't get back last night!" the last he nearly bellowed, his heart hammering painfully in his chest. The world was going insane.

"Hold on! Hold on, stop, breathe, it's okay. Just--just let Raidou finish what he's doing over there and we'll help you," Genma said quickly, almost soothingly.

Iruka nodded gratefully. Everything would be all right. It would all be *just fine.* He glanced around nervously, half expecting Kakashi to have followed him. "I--I--thank the gods. All right. Okay." He glanced back toward Genma and saw the man's expression shift from looking over Iruka's shoulder questioningly to looking at Iruka soothingly.

Iruka glanced back again, but there was still no one there.

"Hi, Iruka. Why are you half naked in the street?" Raidou asked, shifting a bag on his shoulder that appeared to be loaded with floofy looking green things.

"Oh, shit, you didn't buy more spinach, did you?" Genma asked, momentarily distracted.

Iruka ignored the exchange, trying desperately to stay focused and get them moving before Kakashi *did* catch up. "I--I was in my pajamas and Kakashi came home and there's been brain damage or something," he said, distantly wondering why Genma cared if Raidou had bought spinach.

Raidou's face went serious. "He's been acting strange?"

"Yes!" Iruka nearly yelled, grateful that someone was finally listening. "He bought me--" the blush nearly had him fainting. "Well, nevermind that--but he says he got home last night and he didn't, and--" how was he supposed to explain the mess in the apartment without sounding crazy? "He has *skunks*," Iruka said. "Three of them!" Genma would know Kakashi's dislike of anything messy just from Iruka's stories. That had to mean something to them.

Genma and Raidou both paused before looking at each other. Their eyes flickered back to Iruka's face. "You're right, that's very strange," Genma said slowly.

"Absolutely bizarre," Raidou added.

Iruka looked at them suspiciously. He knew the patronizing voice. He used it on hysterical students nearly every day, and damn it, he wasn't hysterical! Or if he was, he had reason! Kakashi, who walked a thin line of sanity anyway, had LOST HIS MIND.

Iruka stepped back. "So . . . we're going to get help, right?" he asked warily.

"Absolutely!" Raidou said. "We're going to take you to the hospital first, and then we're going to go get Kakashi."

Iruka stepped away again, wondering if he could outrun the two, knowing he couldn't. "Me? I don't need to go to the hospital. I'm *fine.*"

"No, come with us. It'll be safer there," Raidou said, shifting his groceries again.

"I think--I think I should, um," he couldn't think of a safer place than with two elite ninja when a Jounin was after him. "Uh, my apartment. Ibiki's! I should head to Ibiki's." If he moved fast enough--

"We'll get him on the way," Genma said quickly, a hand out placatingly.

"No--no, I, uh--*shit,*" Iruka snapped, and bolted in the other direction. *They had all lost their minds.*

All Iruka heard was the soft crunch of eighteen eggs being smashed against the ground as the watermelon landed on top of them when Raidou dropped his bag.

"*Shit,*" Iruka snapped again, as a hand wrapped around his bicep, spinning him into Raidou. He opened his mouth and bit down, hard, on whatever flesh he could reach. He tasted blood, and wished he'd brought his kunai, but instead tried to drive a knee into Raidou's groin.

"Mother fuck!" they said, almost simultaneously as Genma grabbed Iruka's hips and yanked him back enough that testicular damage couldn't occur.

"Let me *go*, I'm not the sick one here!" Iruka yelled, panicking. The world had gone insane and he wasn't going to be held responsible, damn it!

"Did he just fucking *bite* you?" Genma asked, using bandages from his medkit to secure Iruka's legs.

Iruka struggled, but it was really useless. He thought about screaming, but doubted it would work.

"Yes! Yes, he fucking did!" Raidou retorted. "Let's get him to the hospital."

**

It was easier to clean up blood in the bathroom. With Iruka still tied to a chair, he picked the whole thing up and set it in the bathtub.

This wasn't his Iruka.

The Sharingan told him it wasn't a henge. Or a clone.

He perched on the rim of the bathtub and looked Iru--the imposter, he corrected himself--in the eyes. He smiled cheerfully. "You're not Iruka."

"You're not Kakashi."

He ignored the statement. "Who are you, if you're not Iruka?"

"Kakashi has more scars."

He sighed and tsked, stepping off the bathtub. He wandered into the living room, took a deep breath to settle shaking hands--it *wasn't* his Iruka--and picked up a kunai. Then he walked back and smiled cheerfully once more.

"Again. *Who* are you?"

"The one on the mouth and the flog scars . . . the one on the mouth . . . how did I not see that you didn't have the one on the mouth . . . ? You got the stomach right, I guess that's something," Iruka muttered.

Kakashi's eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Do you have *any* idea what I could do? Is loyalty before you die *really* worth that?"

"Is it worth it to you?"

It sounded like Iruka. It *smelled* like Iruka.

"Not a perfect henge," Kakashi said conversationally. "You're missing bits." He eyed the man's feet--not Iruka's, *NOT* Iruka's, he could start *there*--and the missing pinky toe on the left foot. There was scarring that wasn't right, and a bit of the big toe on the other foot was gone.

Frostbite, the analytical part of Kakashi's mind guessed. Probably frostbite. Didn't look like a clean cut.

He flipped the kunai and drove it straight down between the small bones of the misshapen foot. Then he smiled. "And *who* are you working for?"

Iruka's--the imposter's leg strained, but downward, trying not to move the blade. Smart. The imposter was breathing slowly, purposefully, and still muttering to himself.

Kakashi considered his options. He didn't really want to hurt the man permanently. Only because if they needed him for information, it was easier if he was whole. Ibiki objected to bits cut off his subjects.

It wasn't that it looked like Iruka. It wasn't Iruka. Even though it smelled like Iruka.

Smelled like Iruka's blood.

Blood never smelled right.

Kakashi didn't shake his head--he was much too good a ninja--but he took a subtle breath behind the mask.

"Do you love him?"

Kakashi nearly jumped at the question. He twitched it into a smile instead.

Iruk--the imposter was looking at him.

"Greatly," Kakashi said honestly. "And if you don't tell me what you did with him, it'll go badly."

"That's nice," Ir--the imposter said very calmly and blandly.

"Hmm. And where is he?" The man wasn't going to talk. A Jounin, maybe.

The imposter took a very long time to respond. "Right in front of you."

Kakashi's eyes narrowed, and he activated the Sharingan again. It was a lie, obviously. There were toes missing.

But he had to check. Even if the black swirls did move and give away that he was using the eye.

It was Iruka.

It wasn't Iruka.

It wasn't fucking possible.

It was a henge. No, a clone. An ANBU from another country, infiltrating--but if their cover had been blown, and it had because this man had wrong information--

Gods, it made no *sense.*

He smiled. The toes had had frostbite. Whoever this was had spent a great deal of time in very cold weather. With a swift twist of his wrist, Kakashi turned on the cold water. Smiled again. "Tell me when you want to talk." And he left the room.

**

Kakashi waited until Iruka was safely locked in a small padded room before dropping down and talking to Genma. "Thank you," he said with relief.

"No problem," Genma said. "We wouldn't let anything bad happen to your boy."

"Except for the fact that he's apparently lost his fucking head," Raidou added.

"I don't know what happened!" Kakashi said, looking distressed. "Last night we had fabulous, fabulous sex, then this morning I go to train with the team for a little while, I come back, I hand him a present, he flies off the handle and jumps out the window."

"What was the present?" Genma asked finally.

"It was a blue acrylic butt-plug with feathers."

"Oh, the shiny one?" Raidou asked.

"Yeah, he freaked out!" Kakashi said. "After what he did with the carrot last night I thought he'd appreciate something we could wash and reuse again!"

"We tried that," Genma said thoughtfully, "but they're too pointy."

"That's why they go in so good," Kakashi said.

"He's just bitter because we didn't use one with the green on it and it took forever to get it out," Raidou laughed.

". . . You said we'd never talk about that again," Genma said, annoyed. Then he got back on track. "He didn't go anywhere while you were gone."

"Well, he didn't stay in his place like a hermit, either," Raidou added, "but he didn't go anywhere new."

"Yeah," Genma nodded. "What he said."

Kakashi groaned and leaned against the door. "How long do you think it's going to take Ibiki in there?"

"Well, it depends," Raidou said. "I . . . I don't know. You said he didn't look like he was under a jutsu, right?"

"No, he didn't. Maybe he's . . ." Kakashi trailed off.

"It couldn't be anything from when he fell off the cliff, right?" Genma asked.

Kakashi held out his hands and shrugged, looking frustrated, lost and confused. "I don't know. I've been gone. Apparently I can never leave again."

"That's true, shit seems to happen when you leave town," Raidou said in a very not-helpful way that got him kicked by Genma.

Kakashi just nodded in agreement. "Yeah."

Ibiki left the padded cell, looking frustrated. "I have no idea what's wrong," he said, rubbing his scars. "We need to go check his apartment for . . . anything. He . . . he *thinks* he's sane, and he's acting fairly sane and logical--except for the part where he's not."

"Absolutely brilliant," Kakashi said dryly, "what would we do without you?"

Ibiki chose not to acknowledge that comment. "All right, let's just go check his place. Genma--stay here, he seems to think he's got a connection with you."

"All right," Genma said.

The three of them left, hurrying across rooftops to Iruka's apartment. They scattered once there, Raidou vanishing into the bathroom while Kakashi searched the kitchen and Ibiki the main room.

"Ibiiiki!" Raidou's voice called from the bathroom. "Get over here!"

Kakashi made a beeline for the bathroom, but Raidou blocked the doorway. "Not you, Ibiki."

"What's in there?" Kakashi said, forcing as much command past the panic as he could.

There was dead silence in response.

"Kakashi," Ibiki's voice said finally, very calmly and quietly. "We need you to come in here and look at something, but you need to be as objective as possible."

That was actually a worse sign. He didn't think there was a worse than dead silence.

"Okay . . ."

"Think you can handle that?" Raidou asked.

"I don't know yet, let me in," Kakashi answered.

Raidou opened the door for him. "There's something very wrong with your mirror."

It took Kakashi a long moment to really process what he was looking at when he looked at the mirror, starting with the fact that he wasn't in it. He let his brain digest that for a moment, it was really the most palatable of the things he could see. Or not see.

Other things he couldn't see were things like the shampoo bottle on the sink. The toothpaste, the toothbrushes. The towel hanging over the shower bar was also wrong, and he turned to check it--it was there, he'd put it there this morning.

The shower curtain was wrong. Their shower curtain had a rather ugly pattern on it. That shower curtain was white. He let his eyes focus on all those little details, deliberately trying very, very hard not to look at the naked, bound, and gagged Iruka shivering under the shower. Nope. Not looking at him, not looking at the deep purpling bruises on his cheek, not looking at how blue his lips were, not trying to read them, not looking at how pale he'd gone under the tan, not looking at him shiver. Nope. He was looking at the ugly chair that looked like it'd been stolen from the hospital. He was looking at the shower head, the fact the shower itself had different knobs, the different brands of shampoo, all the little things. But not at Iruka. Definitely not looking at Iruka.

His hand went out, stretched out, hit the glass. No, he _did_ have a reflection, but it wasn't a mirrored one, just the faint ghost of one, like in the glass of the observers room by interrogation rooms five through twenty. "One way glass. We have to break it."

"Kakashi, it's not one way glass," Ibiki said. "The only thing on the other side of that mirror is a wall."

Kakashi pushed his hitai-ate up, staring intently, forcing charka into his eye. Like watching TV. "Closed circuit video?" He was not looking at Iruka give a particularly harsh shudder. Nope. "The fuck am I looking at?" Kakashi asked sharply, not thinking about the panic he would have felt if he *had* been looking at Iruka.

"We were kinda hoping you could tell us," Ibiki said. "Is the other Iruka a fake? Did you *look* at him?"

"I looked at him, and . . . it---it was him. I didn't see anything that you usually see in henge or can spot in doppelgangers or--He has to know what's going on. Go find out."

"Do you want to come?" Ibiki asked.

"No," Kakashi said, almost before the man's words were out. "I'm going to stay here and not look at Iruka."

**

He was going insane. Or the world was going insane. It had to be the world. He *felt* sane and besides, what kind of messed up world would he have grown up in to have replaced *everything* in his memories with . . . with . . .something else?

Oh, gods, he was going crazy. It was so much more likely to be him than everyone else. They had locked him in a *padded cell*. He was going insane.

He couldn't breathe. He stared at the floor between his knees. Padded floor. He shivered. He didn't want to be insane, he really didn't, and he was pretty sure he wasn't but everyone else seemed so sure he *was*--even Genma, who was the closest thing he had to a best friend.

Oh, gods, he was going to be ill.

He didn't look up as the door opened. He didn't look up at the soft click of the door shutting, either. "I'm pretty sure I'm not insane," he said, trying to keep the quiver out of his voice. "I mean, in order to make all this up something drastic would have had to happen. Brain damage or something--falling off a damn *cliff*--and I would remember that." Except often major injuries to the head caused permanent memory loss of the accident itself. He frowned. "I mean, I might not remember that, but . . ."

Ibiki pulled out a dark leather-bound file that looked really rather thick for the sort of files people like Ibiki would carry around.

Iruka's heart sank. "I mean, I'm pretty sure," he tried again weakly as Ibiki knelt and started laying things down on the floor. Mostly X-rays.

"These," Ibiki started, "are from about two and half years ago. You're looking at X-rays from when you were declared dead."

Iruka was pretty sure that whimper *did* come from his throat.

"For the second time."

And he was *certain* that whimper came from him, too. "I . . . don't remember that." That couldn't be a good sign.

"As of this moment, we do not actually think that the incident is related to your current mental state. You were not captured, you were not tortured, you should not be having a mental breakdown."

Except for the part where he was having a mental breakdown, Iruka thought with a mental giggle. ". . .Oh." He had no idea what else to say. "So I'm not insane?" He asked hopefully after a moment.

Ibiki didn't respond.

In actuality, Iruka supposed he was simply taking a moment to formulate a response. But the silence was not reassuring.

Probably trying to figure out how to tell him he was bat-shit nuts.

Only, you know, professional-like since Ibiki was professional and wouldn't point and laugh.

Iruka hoped.

"What's the last thing you remember doing before Kakashi came home and you realized something was wrong? Did anything happen in the bathroom?"

"The bathroom?" Iruka asked, flabbergasted. "No--not that I can remember. I woke up, and I realized the room was . . . strange. Posters and everything. It didn't look like Kakashi's apartment at all."

Ibiki frowned. "It wasn't Kakashi's apartment. That's *your* apartment."

Iruka stared. "Noooo," he said slowly, as if talking to a small, rather stupid child. "That's Kakashi's apartment."

Ibiki took a deep breath and produced a copy of the lease.

Iruka read it. Then read it again. "Oh," he said once more, in a very small voice.

"I also have a copy of your shinobi insurance policy."

"And . . . the skunks?"

Ibiki flipped through the file again and produced a handwritten mission-report statement in Iruka's handwriting.

"Apparently you had a spirit guide when you fell off your cliff," Ibiki said blandly.

". . . I adopted skunks?" Iruka asked, reading the report. Then he muttered, "I *must* have hit my head."

"The skunks show low levels--extremely low--levels of intelligence, so however you got them during your grand hallucination, they've been deemed non-hazardous toward the safety of Konoha, and you were permitted to continue keeping them."

Iruka stared. "In Kakashi's--my--apartment? With those posters?" He supposed the posters had nothing to do with the skunks, but damn it, he'd never heard of Night County!

"I believe the poster was a present from Genma when he got back from his honeymoon."

". . . Honeymoon? He's married?"

"Almost a year, now."

"But . . ." Iruka frowned. "I thought Genma was *gay.* He never said anything, true, but I was *certain* . . ."

Ibiki paused. "He's been Raidou's significant other in legal paperwork for almost eleven years now. They just finally had a ceremony."

Somehow, that seemed much more important than--anything else. "But--What about Raidou's *daughter*? And his girlfriend? He *hasn't* been dating Genma for--hell, his daughter's only eight!" he nearly shouted.

"They moved in together eleven years ago," Ibiki repeated.

"He has a *daughter*!" Iruka bellowed at the top of his lungs.

"He hasn't had the company of a woman since he was twelve, and I doubt he had sex with her. There's no daughter."

Iruka sat, dumbfounded. "There has to be a daughter! She's Hana, and she's cute and blond and . . . and . . . brought me a flower to class--"

"Probably not his if she's blond. You know red hair's a dominant trait in their family, right?"

If he'd had something to throw, he would have. "HANA IS TOO, HIS!" he roared. "AND SHE'S NOT FUCKING DEAD! I mean, made up!"

"You're right. She's probably not made up," Ibiki said with in a calm voice. "She just doesn't exist in this universe."

It was hard to stay furious in the face of that composure.

Iruka wilted. He stared at the floor between his knees again. "So . . . I'm insane. And we don't know why."

"I believe *you* believe what you're telling me." Ibiki paused a moment, let it sink in. "And I promise that you won't be hurt."

Iruka took a shaky breath. It was better. They didn't think he was a traitor or a spy--and he would have been a shitty spy at this point, anyway. "You're sure it's not Kakashi?" he asked forlornly, just to make sure. Because, of the two of them, he'd have bet everything he owned that Kakashi would have been the first to snap like a dead leaf. Except that he hadn't.

"Yup." Ibiki got up, left the file. "I'll be back when we know more."

Iruka nodded wordlessly and started mutely reading the papers.

**

Something was changing in the mirror bathroom. In fact, he was staring at himself.

The mirror-image-that-wasn't stared back. The Sharingan eye was wrong. On the wrong side--it wasn't a perfect mirror reflection, but rather like looking at a clone.

The image tipped his head, narrowed his eyes, and walked calmly to Iruka trussed up under the waterfall. A kunai appeared from a hip holster, and the image held it to Iruka's neck. Blood spilled. The not-mirror-image's free fingers flashed in code.

'I want mine back. NOW.'

The not-image had to repeat the symbols before Kakashi read them, because he was most definitely not staring at the red getting washed down Iruka's chest. Then he nodded.

It didn't take long to get to where they were holding the crazy Iruka. "Follow me now," he said, voice an obvious order.

Crazy Iruka stared at him blankly for a moment. "I don't have skunks," he said.

"I don't give a flying fuck. Follow me now."

At that, Crazy Iruka stood and did so, watching him warily. "Where are we going?"

"I'm getting rid of you."

Crazy Iruka froze. "Uh--shit--. Not off a cliff!"

"It's a trade," Kakashi said. "Follow faster."

The Iruka did, but kept talking. "A trade? Who for who?"

"You for you."

The Iruka fell silent.

They made it back to Iruka's apartment bathroom with no other problems.

Kakashi pointed at the mirror. "Go through it."

"Holy fucking *shit*!" Crazy Iruka yelled. "You've got to be fucking *insane!* What the hell is *happening* to me over--I'm not going *THERE!*"

The not-reflection him in the mirror, Kakashi noted, wasn't helping. Just standing there with a fucking kunai at his boyfriend's throat.

'Drop it,' Kakashi signed to his not-reflection.

The not-reflection's eyes narrowed. He didn't drop it. 'Send him through. NOW,' he signed instead.

So Kakashi did what, at the time, seemed like a perfectly logical thing to do. He grabbed the crazy Iruka by the back of the neck and tried to shove him through.

He didn't push hard enough to crack the mirror, but there was a definite crunching noise as the cartilage in the crazy Iruka's nose gave way.

The not-reflection-Kakashi jerked and the kunai sliced through Iruka's skin. Kakashi let go of the crazy Iruka and lurched forward automatically, apparently not remembering that the crazy Iruka hadn't fit through the solid mirror. The not-image lunged, too, for the crazy-Iruka, who was holding his nose and cursing like a sailor. Blood coated Crazy Iruka's arms, but Kakashi really didn't care. As the two silver-haired Jounin hit the mirror, the glass shifted, melted and--

Kakashi fell through into the other bathroom, and slammed into wet, cold, bleeding, catatonic Iruka. He decided not to question it, turned on the hot water, and started taking care of the slice in Iruka's skin before realizing Iruka's foot was nailed to the floor with the tip of a kunai.

"Gah!" Kakashi yelped.

**

There was blood pumping out of Iruka's nose, and Kakashi couldn't make it stop. He didn't know how he was in the reflection world, only that he was pretty sure this really *was* his Iruka, not that thing that he'd pinned to the shower floor.

"All right, it's all right," Kakashi said repeatedly, as Iruka bellowed curses on his ancestors. Then Iruka bit him.

"Ow, damn it," Kakashi muttered, and pinned the Chuunin so he couldn't do it again. "*Stop.* You're all right. And spattering blood all over."

The tone got through. Iruka froze. "Kakashi?"

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "What happened?"

Iruka yanked, and Kakashi let go. The Chuunin backed away, eyes flashing between Kakashi and--

The mirror. Where Kakashi's doppleganger was sitting under the shower spray with the beaten up not-Iruka, steam rising from the water.

Kakashi ignored them.

"Who the flying fuck are *you*, now?" Iruka yelled, and yanked the towel bar clear off the wall, sending tiny shards of plaster onto the floor. "You fucking *touch* me with that fucking *butt-plug* or break my damned nose and--"

This was definitely his Iruka.

He sank against the counter in relief. Then he shifted, inching closer to the door so Iruka couldn't escape. Iruka backed away, bar still held as a weapon. Kakashi smiled. "You're all right? You're sure?"

"I--I--" The dam broke. "What the hell *happened?*" Iruka asked, bar lowering. He looked at the copies in the mirror, eyes wide. "What did you *do* to him?"

"Heh. Funny thing," Kakashi began, smiling nervously and scratching the back of his head. "You'll never believe it . . ."

**

"Shh, shh, it's okay, see, it's warm now," Kakashi said, rubbing Iruka's fingers and casting every warming jutsu he could think of.

Iruka's only response was little panting whimpers.

"It's okay, it's okay, it's me. It's me. Not whoever the fuck that was. It's okay, all right? It's me, it's okay, you'll be warm," Kakashi repeated like a broken record, hoping at least some of this was getting through. "I'm going to kill him."

Iruka turned his head a little, looked at him for a moment. "Face," he said finally, struggling it out. "Scars. Need to--"

Kakashi pulled down his mask. "Anything else? Any other--um--. When do you think I got back from my mission?"

Iruka sniffled. "Yesterday?" he asked questioningly, almost shrinking away.

Kakashi nodded and started petting down his hair. "Mm-hm, that's good, you remember that, that's good. Tell me what happened?"

"I . . . I woke up and you came home and you smelled funny and you got *mad* at me because I drank milk out of the carton, and you took a shower and when I went to kiss you you almost broke my fucking wrist and you threw me in the shower in the ugly ugly chair and you didn't believe I was me and I thought you'd snapped, I'd thought you'd gone insane, you haven't gone insane, right? What is wrong with the fucking mirror?" Iruka whimpered. He took a deep sobbing inhale and said, "I don't want to end up like Genma!"

"Only the happy bits, okay? You'll only end up like him with the happy bits, okay? I won't let that happen to you. I don't know what happened with the mirror but we'll fix it, okay?"

Iruka nodded. "If you're lying I'm going to kill you in your sleep with something blunt."

"I missed you, too."

**

Ibiki walked through the apartment, certain he was going to find the missing Iruka here. Only Kakashi would have taken him from the padded cell.

"Kakashi!" He yelled. "Kakashi, don't do anything stupid! -Der than what you've already done today."

Kakashi's masked face appeared from behind the bathroom door, eye arched in a smile. "Oh? What have I done today?"

Ibiki sucker-punched him. Very hard, with as much chakra as he could get into his arm on short notice.

Kakashi dropped back through the door and it swung open.

Iruka brandished a shower bar, looking more than a little terrified.

There was a quick scuffle, but Ibiki had the upper hand; he managed to bind Kakashi's wrists with a seal, dodging a kick aimed for his knees. Then Ibiki stepped on him, using one foot to pin Kakashi's legs at the thighs and the other standing on his hands at the small of his back. He looked at Iruka, brandishing his shower bar, and then ignored him completely to look in the mirror.

"We can explain," Iruka said. Then he flushed. "Well, okay, no we can't. But I'm sure there *is* an explanation that doesn't end in anyone's death."

"Is this it the Kakashi that did that to that Iruka?"

The Shower-Bar Iruka froze. "Um. Maybe?"

"Then there might be an explanation but the solution may involve bloodshed anyway."

Iruka winced.

"I don't know how you people did this," Kakashi snapped, twisting out from under Ibiki and staggering back with his hands still bound, "but I'm going to fucking kill you." He smiled cheerfully.

"Kakashi!" Iruka snapped, and Kakashi actually flinched and began to pout.

"THEY STOLE YOU AND REPLACED YOU WITH THAT!" he said, apparently done pouting.

"*KAKASHI!*" Iruka bellowed.

Kakashi subsided entirely.

Ibiki took another deep breath. He was taking several of them to get through the day. He'd need a drink soon. Normally, he'd be thinking about a cigarette, but the problem with dating a medic was that smoking got you lots and lots of speeches about how bad it was. Maybe he'd have one anyway. The day certainly warranted one.

"I don't want any of you here," he said calmly. "I want you there and them here. It seemed to be working before. What can we do to just go back to that?"

Iruka and Kakashi stared at him.

"Uh, Kakashi and--" Iruka stopped, looking at the mirror. "Um, that Kakashi just . . . switched. But my nose got broken."

"Good look for you. Is what happened something we can reproduce?"

Iruka frowned. Kakashi squirmed against the seal on his wrists.

"Let's try this," Ibiki said, and shoved the bound Kakashi at the mirror.

"Hey!" Kakashi yelped, bouncing off with a dull 'thunk.'

"Ah, it was at the same time, last time," Iruka said, wincing.

Ibiki looked heavenward and started waving at the Kakashi in the mirror. When that didn't get a response he flicked the lights on and off rapidly. The image in the mirror looked up. 'Lean on this?' Ibiki signed.

"Irukas first," bound-Kakashi snapped.

The image Kakashi picked up the naked Iruka, getting water all over the floor of the bathroom. The Shower-Bar Iruka took a deep breath and edged toward the mirror. "You are going to send him through, too, right?" he asked, looking at his Kakashi.

"I certainly don't want him here," Ibiki answered.

"Oh, good," Iruka said. "He's got LOTS of neuroses. He wouldn't be good here. I mean--you should just keep yours. Probably better at what he does."

"Hey!" Kakashi snapped from the floor.

"Shut. Up," Iruka muttered, kicking at him. "You fucking *tortured* someone that looks like *me.*" His voice dropped further. "You're lucky they DON'T keep you and--" he looked at Ibiki. "Nevermind."

Kakashi smiled up innocently.

The Kakashi in the mirror hopped up on the counter, cradling his Iruka.

"Can we do this? Now?" Iruka pleaded.

Kakashi got off the floor, and after a glance between all four of them, he and Iruka started toward the glass.

Ibiki decided they were going a bit too slow--at least on Kakashi's part--and gave him a firm boot in the ass to speed things along.

Kakashi and Iruka dove through the glass, Kakashi faceplanting on the other side with, if Ibiki wasn't mistaken about his own strength--and he wasn't--a broken tailbone and a smooshed nose.

The correct Kakashi and Iruka got through safely. He saw to it by catching them, getting his jacket rather wet in the process.

In the mirror, the imposter Kakashi stood. For a second all they could see was a blue-white light, and Ibiki could imagine the chitter that went with it.

Then the mirror shattered and went dark.

**

It had been two weeks since the Mirror Incident. Iruka had replaced the shattered mirror with a new one--one that didn't have any strange dimension hopping jutsu attached. He thought about that Other Iruka occasionally, and hoped his foot was all right. Kakashi had said he hadn't done any major damage, and Iruka assumed Kakashi knew what he was doing well enough to be able to tell that. Still, he hoped the Other Iruka was all right.

Kakashi had gone for the day--Iruka'd been spending more and more time at the Jounin's apartment, as his dreams hadn't been pleasant. It was easier, sometimes, to have bad dreams where there was someone safe around--even if the apartment itself brought back the memories. But Kakashi had gone for the day, and Iruka scrubbed a hand over his face and stumbled into the bathroom. He didn't look at the newly replaced mirror. He just put toothpaste on his toothbrush and started brushing.

The sink was spotless. The chrome gleamed. The toothbrush holder--

Toothbrush holder? Iruka stared at the bright red cup in the mirror's reflection.

Kakashi didn't leave bright red cups on the sink. Slowly, his eyes rose.

He was naked. Except, he knew he was wearing pajama bottoms. And there was something white on his stomach, except he was pretty sure he knew what that was and he hadn't had sex that morning. And the Other Iruka wasn't brushing anymore, just standing there with a foaming toothbrush and looking at him.

The Other Iruka gave a tiny wave.

Iruka did the sensible thing. He dropped his toothbrush in the sink, and slid to floor.

Tomorrow, he was installing blinds.

****************************